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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26245627">Fixing the Foundation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now'>Ava_now</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Barisi Dads AU [25]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, F/M, Fear of Abandonment, HIV/AIDS Crisis, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Husbands in love, Loneliness, M/M, Major Illness, Mother-Son Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Physical Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Speech Delay, Supportive Partners, Trust Issues, conquering new jobs, fluff and smut and love, loving family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:14:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>37,411</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26245627</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I got it.</p><p>That was the entirety of the text Sonny sent him, but it meant everything.  Rafael grinned into his coffee, thrilled beyond belief for his husband.  He shot back a quick congratulatory text, complete with a half dozen of those emojis that he hated.</p><p>“Sorry I’m late,” Lucia said, taking a seat across from him.  “Something good going on?  You’re grinning ear to ear.”</p><p>“You could say that,” he said, turning his phone over on the table.  “Sonny is now the newest ADA in the Manhattan DA’s office.”</p><p>“Really?” Lucia picked up a menu.  “I thought that was a position you all were trying to get away from.”</p><p>****<br/>Pride (noun)--A feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions which are widely admired.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lucia Barba &amp; Rafael Barba, Lucia Barba/Miguel Barba (omc), Rafael Barba &amp; Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Barisi Dads AU [25]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello!  This is a work in progress, so it's possible some things may change, including the title.  Please check the tags regularly, because I will be updating these each time I post,and there may be future trigger warnings.</p><p>This fic will basically deal with child abuse, abuse of power, and bullying.  I'm rating it E because, first off, I can't seem to write any kind of smut that wouldn't be E, and I can't seem to write a fic with these two that doesn't include smut!  But secondly, the material that will be in this fic without smut will easily stand alone at an M.  So do with that what you need to, and take care of yourself appropriately.</p><p>As always, kudos and comments are so important to me, and I'm so grateful for every one I receive.  Please take the time to leave one or both if you can!  If you ever wish to discuss anything from one of my fics with me privately, you can always reach me on twitter.  I'm Ava_now@vagrlnok.</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>I got it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was the entirety of the text Sonny sent him, but it meant everything.  Rafael grinned into his coffee, thrilled beyond belief for his husband.  He shot back a quick congratulatory text, complete with a half dozen of those emojis that he hated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I’m late,” Lucia said, taking a seat across from him.  “Something good going on?  You’re grinning ear to ear.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You could say that,” he said, turning his phone over on the table.  “Sonny is now the newest ADA in the Manhattan DA’s office.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Lucia picked up a menu.  “I thought that was a position you all were trying to get away from.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His back bristled immediately.  Lucia didn’t hide her opinions very well or very often, and she had been quite clear that she thought he’d thrown an entire career away when he left the DA’s office.  The fact that he was happier and got to spend more time with his daughter, which is what he wanted to do, seemed lost on her.  “Sonny and I are not the same person, Mami.  He’s absolutely thrilled, and I hope the next time you see him you’ll congratulate him.  He’s worked hard for this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure he has,” she replied just as the server approached the table.  “The Wine Country salad,” she ordered quickly, and the server turned to him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll have the same." He smiled politely and handed over his menu.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once the server had turned away, Lucia asked sharply, “Are you sure you can still afford this?  I offered to meet you somewhere else--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed in frustration.  “Mami, could you please let my finances be my problem?  Sonny and I are doing just fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sniffed.  “Marley said she isn’t taking gymnastics this year.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because she decided she’d rather do art.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And she can’t do both because?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because Sonny and I agree that a five year old doesn’t need more than one extracurricular activity at a time,” he said shortly.  “Why am I having to explain and justify my parenting choices to you?  Her father and I have a plan and we know what we’re doing.  We’re perfectly capable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never said you weren’t,” she interjected.  “I still just don’t understand why you walked away from a perfectly respectable job, earning a very respectable salary, that allowed you to take care of your family very well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He bit back an ugly retort.  “Sonny and I have different priorities than you and Papi did.  We’re happy with our choices--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here we are!” The server interrupted, setting their salads on the table.  “Can I get you anything else?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we’re good right now,” Lucia told her, and she left the table.  A minute later, Lucia said, “I hope you have a fair amount in savings, because you never know when a rainy day is going to happen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed loudly.  “I appreciate your concern.  Our financial situation is just fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Won’t Sonny take a wage cut, going to the DA’s office?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shrugged.  “He might.  We’ll work it out.  I have some flexibility with my job if I need to take on more cases.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head.  “And how fair is that to Marlene?  This week you’re her primary caregiver and next week she’s in childcare?  Consistency is so important for kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could feel the anger building in his chest.  It was the same anger he’d been sitting on for years, whenever parenting came up.  “Mami, you know as well as I do that Marlene is a happy and well-adjusted kid.  I am a good father, and so is Sonny--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head again.  “I’m not questioning that.  But you know?  Sometimes your mother might know some things you don’t, and you should listen--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed harshly.  “I should listen to you about parenting?  And I suppose I should consult Papi about sobriety?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words were out before he could stop himself, and he watched as the color drained from her face.  She lay her fork down and cleared her throat.  “This was a mistake,” she said quietly.  “I need to get back to work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mami,” he said guiltily, leaning across the table toward her, “Mami, lo siento.  Lo siento mucho, Mama.  I shouldn’t have said that...I--” (I’m sorry.  I’m so very sorry, Mom)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she had already stood and pulled her coat on.  “Cuidate, mi hijo.  Te amo.” (Take care, my son.  I love you.)  She took a step, then turned around.  “Tell Soleado I said congratulations.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watched her walk out of the restaurant, head held high as she always walked.  She had once told him, after his father had beaten her bloody, that stature is important.  You always hold your head high so he knows he didn’t defeat you.  He didn’t win.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael sighed and finished his scotch.  For once, he wished life didn’t feel like a competition.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Congratulations!” Liv was telling Sonny, hugging him tightly.  “We’ll miss you on the detective side, but we’re so excited you’re our ADA!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny was beaming, truly surprised by the party in the bar.  Rafael hung back, sipping his scotch and watching his husband receive wonderful accolades.  “To be honest?” A voice next to him said close to his ear, “Thank God Carisi’s moving into that position and Stone is gone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned slightly to see Fin standing beside him.  “Sonny’s worked hard for it,” Rafael said to him.  “I have faith he’s going to be everything you all need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fin nodded.  “I believe that too.  If he can keep his shirt on during work hours, he’ll be halfway there.”  Seeing Rafael’s confused expression, he smiled and nodded.  “See ya around, counselor.” Fin walked toward Rollins, leaving Rafael to puzzle it out on his own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what do you think?” Liv asked him, sidling up with a glass of wine.  “Party turned out okay, don’t you think?  I don’t think he knew about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Rafael confirmed, “he had no idea.  If he did, he didn’t mention it to me.  Thank you for doing this for him, Liv.  He works so hard...I’m just glad he can be appreciated here, with you all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, he’s a great detective, and a great guy…” Looking at her friend, she suddenly said, concerned, “Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?” he asked, turning his focus back to her.  “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.  It’s all fine.  My mother and I just...we just had a disagreement, is all.  It’s fine.”  He forced a smile.  “This is Sonny’s night, and it’s going to stay that way.”  He motioned toward Sonny’s new boss, Vanessa Hadid.  “What do you know about Hadid?  She’s a new transfer to SVU too, from what I understand.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia and Rafael immersed themselves in conversation about the comings and goings of SVU legal representatives for several minutes, winding their conversation up on Elana Barth.  “I had heard she was going into private practice,” he told Liv, “but it was just a rumor.  I hadn’t talked with her or I would have let you know.  Just remember, Rita Calhoun was on our side once upon a time, too.  If they’re good, they’re good, and they’ll use that for their client.  In the world of law ethics, working hard for your client is a higher ethical plane than, say, ethics.”  He smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Heya, Counselor,” his husband greeted him, putting an arm around his waist.  “Nice to see you here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I heard a guy I’d once mentored got a job in the DA’s office.  Thought I’d stop by and tell him congratulations.”  He leaned over and brushed his lips across Sonny’s.  “Congratulations, querido.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled.  “Thanks, Raf.  Is Marley with a grand?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s having a cousin date with Rosie.  Your sister has them working on a giant puzzle of dogs.”  Turning to Liv, he said, “From what I saw, they could have used some help from Noah.  They’re gonna be there for quite awhile.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv chuckled.  “Maybe that’s a good thing for Bella...keep them busy for awhile!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe so,” Rafael agreed, then turning to Sonny, added, “we pick her up in the morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well then,” Sonny announced, clanking his beer against Liv’s wine glass and Rafael’s scotch, “party on!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were barely in the door, all over each other.  Sonny shut the door with his foot, and Rafael reached over to attach the deadbolt, without letting their lips part at all.  Rafael’s hands ran flat over his husband’s chest, and Sonny arched into him and moaned.  “God, what a good day,” he gasped, as Rafael pulled his shirt out of his pants with his teeth.  “Congratulations to me…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael quickly unhooked Sonny’s belt and shoved his pants and boxer-briefs down to his ankle, barely avoiding getting hit in the cheek by his husband’s swollen cock, which caused Sonny to burst into laughter.  “So fucking funny,” Rafael returned, before cupping Sonny’s balls and sucking his cock all the way into his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ahh, fuck,” Sonny sighed, thrusting forward once and sinking his hands into Rafael’s hair.  “Fuck yes, so good.  Just like that, baby...suck it just like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael bobbed back and forth quickly for several seconds before pulling off completely and spitting in his hand.  He guided Sonny’s cock back into his mouth, then took his spit-soaked fingers and ran them back and forth over Sonny’s crack.  As Sonny’s moans grew longer, he slowly pushed one finger inside of his husband’s ass and sucked hard on his cock.  “Oh, honey, so good,” Sonny moaned as he rocked his hips back and forth between his husband’s mouth and his hand.   “I love you, baby.  I adore you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a couple of minutes, Rafael let Sonny’s cock slip from his mouth, leaving the string of saliva connecting the cock to his tongue in place. Sonny watched, ogling, as Rafael settled back on his heels. “You need to bend over the arm of the sofa,” he instructed, finally wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  “I’m gonna eat you out, the best you’ve ever had, counselor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny grinned at his husband, stroked himself a couple times, and paraded over to the couch.  Rafael laughed at him and reached down to stroke himself.  “Such a proud, cocky sonofabitch,” he chuckled, then stood, walked to Sonny, and slapped one of his asscheeks hard.  “Look at you, so gorgeous like you are,” Rafael mused, then grinned again, slapping the opposite cheek.  Sonny moaned loudly, and Rafael chuckled again, then sank to his knees.  Leaning forward, he bit low on Sonny’s left cheek, then licked it.  “Gorgeous,” he said again, and squeezed both cheeks.  “Congratulations, mi amor.  I’m so proud of you.  So proud to be the husband of a Manhattan ADA.”  He ran both hands up and down Sonny’s cheeks before spreading them apart, then gently circling his tongue around the tight ring of muscle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, yes...please, baby,” Sonny moaned.  “You feel so good, Rafi...baby, please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael focused himself on running his tongue firmly in circles around and around before pointing his tongue and darting inside.  He pulled out and lapped multiple times, then pressed his whole mouth to Sonny and sucked firmly.  He could hear Sonny moaning nearly nonstop, and he used one hand to cup Sonny’s balls and roll them.  He pulled back, breaking the seal with Sonny’s skin with a loud pop, and began to lick, nip, and suck around Sonny’s rim as he continued to fondle his balls.  Sonny was rocking firmly against the edge of the couch, and Rafael found himself incredibly thankful for the throw they kept there.  It was currently the only thing protecting their couch from his husband’s fluids.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny suddenly turned around, and Rafael moved slightly back.  “Can you finish me, sucking?” he gasped.  “Please?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded, a sexy smile covering his face, and he slipped Sonny’s cock back into his mouth, sucking fast and firmly.  His hands grasped onto either hip, squeezing, before he slid one hand around and slipped a finger inside Sonny’s ass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yes,” Sonny gasped.  “So good, so good, so good...don’t stop, baby, please don’t stop!”  Clutching either side of Rafael’s head, he thrust once more and came hard into Rafael’s throat  Rafael swallowed, trying to get it down smoothly, before sliding off Sonny’s cock.  Sonny slowly made his way to the floor, eyeing Rafael’s leaking erection.  He reached over, fisting it and hearing Rafael hiss.  Quickly, Sonny began to tightly run his fist up and down the length of Rafael’s cock.  “Come, you sexy fuck.  Come on, Rafi.  Let me see you jizz on me---”  As Rafael cried out, orgasming, Sonny continued to rub him through it.  “That’s it...look at you...gorgeous,” he murmured, hand moving back and forth until Rafael whined and lay a hand on top of Sonny’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Enough, Soleado...Jesus,” he moaned.  He leaned his forehead onto Sonny’s chest.  “That was good...so good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too bad I can’t become an ADA every day, huh?” Sonny teased, and they both started laughing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, let’s go to bed,” Rafael said, tugging him up.  “We can make out some more, maybe long enough to do it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny followed him, laughing.  “Making out for longer than our refractory periods...now THAT’S sexy!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael pulled Sonny’s body flush against him, cocks brushing, and kissed his husband’s neck.  “I love you.  No matter what.  I always will, Soleado.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rafael nodded.  “So if she can’t do it, and she’s getting frustrated, put it aside?”</p><p>“Yes.  You can come back to it the next night.  So Marley, are you ready to show your dad your new trick?”</p><p>“Uh-huh!”  She turned to Rafael.  “I tan say a hard C, Papi!  Watch this!”  She took the tongue depressor she’d been holding in her mouth and moved it around for a second.</p><p>“Remember, wait until you’ve got it in the right spot, and pay attention to how your tongue feels,” Mr. B instructed, and Marley nodded.  </p><p>*****</p><p>Sonny's not the only one who's been working hard--Marley's made some progress of her own.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi and thanks for reading.</p><p>This chapter basically lays the foundation for where Marley is in her speech therapy.  She's a hard worker and a good listener and very motivated to improve, and hopefully that shows through.  </p><p>The tongue-depressor thing is real, and is how one of my kids learned to say a hard C.  The first time I heard it, I was driving and I almost drove off the road, I was so excited.  And like Rafael, I also cried.  Damn these kids!</p><p>Kudos and comments are always welcome!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Mr. Barba-Carisi,” Mr. Bryant, Marlene’s speech therapist, greeted Rafael warmly, “come on in!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael followed the large man into the small, closet-sized office, noting his daughter sitting in a chair by the desk.  “Hi Papi!” she said happily, waving at him, as though his presence just made her day better.  That thought brought an immediate smile to his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi mija!” he said, taking the seat next to her.  “How are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pretty good,” she told him, nodding her head.  “Mr. Bryant is helpin’ me work on my c’s today.  Wight, Mr. B?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right you are,” he told her, sinking into the chair behind the desk.  “Do you want to show your dad what you learned to do today before we talk or after?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wait,” she said confidently.  “It’ll be wike...wike a weward when he’s done!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A reward, Rafael thought, smirking to himself.  Did he need a reward to listen to her teacher?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well okay, then!” Mr. B. chuckled.  “So Marley, how would you say you’re doing in speech right now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think...I...I am doing my best work and I am practicing some new sounds!  And today we started with the hard C.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s right.  We’ve finished the assessment, and figuring out what you need to work on, and the first sound we’re going to work on is the hard C.  Do you remember any of the other sounds we’re going to work on this year?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded.  “We also got to work on the L-sound, and the R-sound, but that’s a hard one for wots of tids.  Is that mainly it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For sounds, yes.  We’re also going to work on a few other things that your dad might understand...we’re going to work on matching tenses, in particular.  The assessment has shown that at times, Marley mismatches her tenses.  But that’s something we’ll be working on all year.  As you know, we like to have you in once every four to six weeks to keep in touch regarding how she’s doing here at school, as well as at home.  I’m assuming you haven’t noticed any changes in her speech yet?  It’s early in the year.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael looked at Marlene, who was picking at a scratch on her arm.  “No, we haven’t noticed any changes yet, other than her vocabulary is just constantly growing.  We read every night at home, in addition to her homework.  If there’s anything that we can do to help, we’d be happy to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mr. B nodded.  “That’s fantastic.  As she said, we are starting on the hard C sound, which you know is represented with both the letters C and K.  I can give you a list of books that you may want to check out from the library.  They have a lot of words in them with that sound, so we can kind of immerse her in that sound.  It will give her the opportunity to hear it as well as to try to say it frequently.  I’d recommend you read it to her first, and then have her read it back to you.  It’s perfectly fine for her to use the tongue depressor trick we’re going to show you in a minute.  If she can’t say it, we only want to try until it starts to get frustrating, then we need to stop.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded.  “So if she can’t do it, and she’s getting frustrated, put it aside?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.  You can come back to it the next night.  So Marley, are you ready to show your dad your new trick?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh!”  She turned to Rafael.  “I tan say a hard C, Papi!  Watch this!”  She took the tongue depressor she’d been holding in her mouth and moved it around for a second.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remember, wait until you’ve got it in the right spot, and pay attention to how your tongue feels,” Mr. B instructed, and Marley nodded.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael could see her concentrating hard as she moved the depressor around slightly.  Suddenly, she made a loud sound.  “Cuh!” she said, and he and Mr. Bryant both grinned.  “Cuh!  Cuh!” she repeated, then removed the depressor, clearly proud of herself.  “Didja see, Papi?  I did it!  I tan do it!  And once my tongue wemembers it, I tan say words!”  She put the depressor in her mouth again.  “Tuh...cuh...Cuh!  Cuh!” she repeated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael couldn’t help himself; he clapped and tried to hide the tears in his eyes.  Marlene was succeeding at this, at being able to make all the sounds she needed to speak clearly.  He didn’t expect to respond so emotionally, but the pride he felt inside was bursting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw, Papi...don’t try,” she told him, then hugged him.  “It’s otay.  I’m a big girl!”  She looked at Mr. B.  “My papi’s just so proud of me is all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mr. B chuckled and handed Rafael a tissue.  “He should be, Marley.”  Leaning toward Rafael, he said, “Don’t worry about it...I see it all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael chuckled, dabbing his eyes.  “I’m sure you do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Cuh! Cuh! Cuh!”  Marley was walking around the apartment with her tongue depressor in her mouth as Sonny and Rafael rotated between chuckling, encouragement, and plugging their ears.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy is so proud of you, dolly,” Sonny told her that night when she got out of her bath.  She’d practiced most of her bath time so she’d be ready for reading.  “I’m just warmin’ up my tongue, that’s what Mr. B says,” she told him as she was drying off.  “I gotta get my mouth weady for weading with Papi!  It’s pretty tool, isn’t it, Daddy?” she said, then tried again.  “Cuh...cuh-ool!  Cuh-ool...I’m gonna say it one of these days, Daddy!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled.  “You surely will, baby.  You’re so close.”  He handed her her pajamas, and she pulled on the shirt, then the pants.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You proud of me, Daddy?” she asked, adjusting the arms on her pajama shirt.  “I’m proud of you too!  Tause...tause you’re gonna be an ADA, just wike Papi was!  Are you excited?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I am,” he told her.  “A little nervous too, like when you start anything new.  Now brush your teeth…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She began to get her toothbrush ready.  “Daddy, I tan’t wait til I tan tall you tounselor!  Oh, wait…” She turned her toothbrush around and used the far end to press her tongue down.  “Cuh! Ounselor!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny couldn’t help but laugh.  “Crazy girl.  Brush your teeth!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on in here?” Rafael asked, hearing the laughter from the other room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marley Mae has decided to be silly tonight,” Sonny told him, still chuckling, and standing to leave the bathroom.  “She’s almost ready to read.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh!” she said, mouth full of toothpaste.  She made a face, spit, and rinsed.  “Yuck.  I gotted some in my throat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s read,” Rafael told her, guiding her into the bedroom.  Pru was already on the bed, and Marley climbed in and handed him a book about Chris, the Calico Kitten.  He read the book, then had her help read it back, practicing her sounds, and when they were done she sighed loudly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” he asked, putting the book away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She scrunched her face up.  “That book is stinky.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean it’s boring.  Are all my speech books gonna be boring?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed.  “I don’t know, mija.  I think the purpose of the book is to help you practice sounds, not to tell a great story.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wike a great story, I guess,” she told him, then lay down in bed as he turned the light out.  “Hey Papi, do you think we tan still wead good stories sometimes?  Maybe at snack time?  I’m gonna miss our good stories.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled and leaned over to kiss her forehead.  “I think we can, sweetie.  We’ll figure it out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do I still go to Abby’s this week, even though you don’t do therapy any more?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We still have date night,” he confirmed for her.  “And yes, this week is Abby’s week, so she’ll be picking you up tomorrow after school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Otay, Papi.”  She yawned and rolled over.  “Te amo, mi dulce papi.” (I love you, my sweet papi)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Te amo, princesa.  Dulce sueños, niña.” (I love you, princess.  Sweet dreams, little girl.)</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rafael could feel his cheeks burning in anger as he realized she had hung up on him.  He stood there with the phone to his ear for several more moments, trying to process everything that just happened, until a knock on his door interrupted him.  He spun around to see his daughter standing at the doorway.</p><p>“Papi?”  Marlene hesitated.  “Where’s Abby?”  Taking a step inside and viewing his expression, she looked concerned.  “Are you mad, Papi?  What’s wrong?”</p><p>He tucked his phone back into his pants and fought back the impulse to blame his mother completely.  Instead, he reversed track...and lied.  “Abby’s had something come up tonight, sweetie.  She said to tell you she’s very sorry she can’t make it.”</p><p>*****</p><p>A fight with Lucia...and the start of the fallout.</p><p>TW--mild bullying; a child's introspection afterward</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, and thanks for reading.</p><p>I'm going to be honest right here.  This chapter has broken my heart.  I know it has tapped a lot of my own issues, so I honestly don't know how it will affect you, the reader.  You may read it and be like, that's it?  In fact, I almost hope you do!  I've cried three times writing this, including one good sob, so I'd recommend tissues if you choose to proceed.</p><p>There is mild bullying in one scene that leads a character to become a bit introspective and wonder about how other people feel about her.</p><p>I am curious to hear how this chapter is received by you, the reader.  Comments would be wonderful--no matter HOW you receive it, I would love to know if and how it affected you.  Thanks, and enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You look fantastic,” Rafael told Sonny, adjusting his tie just so.  It was a new tie, one they had picked out together, for Sonny’s official first day as an ADA.  Sonny was a bundle of nervous, excited energy, and Rafael couldn’t help but grin at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s hope I can hold it together,” he said quickly, then shoved his wallet and phone in his pocket before taking one last look in the mirror.  “You really think I look okay?  Should I get a tie clip?  Different cufflinks?”  He adjusted his wedding ring, then fiddled with his watch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re absolutely fine how you are,” Rafael told him firmly but kindly.  “You’re going to do well, Soleado.  They wouldn’t have hired you if they didn’t know you would.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny finally stood still and exhaled.  Nervously, he asked, “Are you sure I can do this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Rafael told him, “but it’s not my certainty that matters, honey.  It’s yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny’s eyes studied him for a moment, then he slowly smiled.  “Thank you, Rafi.”  Glancing down, he added, “And thank you for the tie--it’s perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be perfect once we break it in tonight,” Rafael teased.  Sonny winked at him and headed toward the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael followed him out and, not seeing Marlene, gave a quick call.  “Marley Mae!  Up and at ‘em, baby girl!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A second later she popped out of her bedroom, ready for school.  “I’m weady, Papi!  Talm down, silly!”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not riled,” he grumbled under his breath and rolled his eyes.  “Come on, let’s get your breakfast so we can get to school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Marley, you want some of this smoothie?” Sonny called her, and she came running.  She was always a fan of his smoothies.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Daddy!” she said, taking the cup from him and looking him up and down, “You wook good today!  You wook so nice for your first day!  You’re gonna do SO good and me an’ Papi are so proud of you!  Wight Papi?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael wrapped an arm around Sonny.  “Right, mija.  Daddy is going to rock that office.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny choked on his smoothie, laughing.  “Thanks, guys.  I appreciate the vote of confidence.”  Checking his watch, he gulped down the rest of his smoothie.  “I’ve got to get going.  Don’t want to be late for Ms. Hadid on the first day.”  He kissed each of them and grabbed his attache.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bye Daddy!”  Marley called.  “Make us prouder!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Prouder?” Rafael asked, handing her a piece of peanut butter toast</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh!  We’re already proud so he’s gonna make us proud-ER.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watched her eat for a minute, thinking about how proud he was of her, and how far she’d come from when she was a baby, born premature and struggling to eat and grow.  She always tried her best, and he swore he’d never come across a person with a sweeter heart in his life, except maybe Sonny.  He wondered what Sonny was like at five.  He was sure that he himself  hadn’t been that sweet. If he had, his father had certainly beat it out of him shortly thereafter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He refilled his coffee and took a long sip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mami,” he answered after seeing her number on his screen, “where are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m still at work,” she answered.  “Rafi, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think until you and I are able to talk things through, I shouldn’t be taking your daughter overnight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head began to swim.  He checked his watch to see it read 4:43.  Of course she had waited until the last minute so he couldn’t get anyone else.  It was just like her--completely passive aggressive and meant to teach him a lesson. He needed that time with Sonny tonight, some alone time.  It was Sonny’s first day at his new job, and he deserved a special date night.   “Mom,” he began, as calmly as he could, “I know our conversation the other day got heated, and I apologize for that.  I never meant to say what I did.  But you made a comment about what’s fair to Marley, and she’s packed and ready to go.  She’s been looking forward to seeing you.  Is there a way you can take her tonight and we can talk this out in the morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was silence on the line for a moment, then he heard a sniffle.  “I don’t think so, mijo.  Not this time.  You made it very clear that you don’t think I’m a reasonable parent, and no matter what, I will NOT run the risk of hurting my granddaughter.”  He heard her exhale a shaky breath.  “Until we’ve worked this out, I’m not comfortable having my ninita here alone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to explain that to her?” he asked angrily.  “Because she’s going to be disappointed when I go tell her that her abuelita has decided not to allow her over since she’s angry with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘You say whatever you need to,” Lucia replied.  “You’ve made it very clear that you’re a great parent who doesn’t need parenting advice from me.  Goodbye, mijo.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael could feel his cheeks burning in anger as he realized she had hung up on him.  He stood there with the phone to his ear for several more moments, trying to process everything that just happened, until a knock on his door interrupted him.  He spun around to see his daughter standing at the doorway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Papi?”  Marlene hesitated.  “Where’s Abby?”  Taking a step inside and viewing his expression, she looked concerned.  “Are you mad, Papi?  What’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tucked his phone back into his pants and fought back the impulse to blame his mother completely.  Instead, he reversed track...and lied.  “Abby’s had something come up tonight, sweetie.  She said to tell you she’s very sorry she can’t make it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.  That’s otay.  Sometimes stuff happens, wight Papi?” When his expression didn’t change much, she hopped on the bed next to him.  “Need a hug?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at her sitting next to him, green eyes hopeful, and he shrugged.  “Maybe.  Couldn’t hurt, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grinned, then wrapped her little arms around his neck and squeezed tightly.  “Just wemember, Papi, no matter what, I wove you.  So if you feel sad, you tan say in your brain, ‘Wemember brain, no matter what, Marwee woves me!’, and you’ll feel better, otay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already do,” he said, squeezing her back.  His phone began to buzz in his pocket, and he grabbed it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re wingin’ again,” she told him, laughing, and he poked her belly, then answered his phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Rafael, it’s Liv.  How’re you doing?” Liv’s voice was light, and he immediately felt calmer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Liv, hang on a sec, okay?”  Turning to Marlene, he said softly, “Hey baby, why don’t you go watch TV or play?  I’m going to talk to Aunt Livvy for a few minutes, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Otay,” she said, sounding a little disappointed as she left the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He listened for a few seconds, until he heard the TV come on, and then he held the phone back to his ear.  “Hey Liv.  I’ve had better afternoons, how about yourself?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s going okay...I just remembered it’s your date night, isn’t it?  Noah and I were going to invite the three of you to join us for spaghetti tonight, if you were interested, but we can reschedule.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually,” Rafael said, and his anger at his mother burned fast and furious.  “Actually my mother backed out of babysitting tonight because she didn’t like something I said to her the other day.  So we currently have no plans.  I’d bought tickets to a movie and made dinner reservations and poof, gone.”  He shook his head.  “I’m sorry, Liv.  I’m just so...so fed up with her.  All of the things she’s done, and the only faults she seems to find are mine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He heard what sounded like a soft laugh.  “I understand, Rafael.  I really do.  My mother was very much the same.  Have you talked with her about any of it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sank into a chair.  “Not really.  We’ve been skirting around it for years.  I hate the idea of hurting her, but I swear it doesn’t feel like she hesitates at all at the thought of knocking me down a peg or two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this about your job, still?” she asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Partially,” he told her.  “I don’t know, it goes back years, to childhood.  I’m sure you know how complicated this can be.”  He sighed.  “I’m sorry...I don’t mean to carry on about my mother, of all people…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know you can talk about whatever you need to talk about, Rafael.  You’re my friend, and I want to support you.  Would it help if I took Marlene tonight, and you and Sonny had your date night?  I know it doesn’t help with your mom, but maybe it would allow you guys to have the time you need and were counting on?  And Noah would love it--we both love Marley, and they’d have a great time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” he asked.  “You know what happened when she spent the night with Jesse, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv chuckled.  “I do indeed!  Two little girls played beauty shop and ended up with new haircuts!  If I promise that she’ll come home with all of her hair, is it okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s her own fault she didn’t come home with all of her hair,” he teased.  “I don’t hold that against Rollins, and I certainly wouldn’t hold it against you.  And I will talk with her about appropriate behavior at your house, if you’re sure you’re willing to watch her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I am, Rafael.  Don’t be ridiculous.”  Liv was still chuckling.  “She’s precious and I’d love to have her over.  And I don’t think Noah would cut hair, but I’ll remind him it’s a bad idea.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If my daughter cuts any more hair, she’ll be bald,” Rafael said.  “He’ll need a razor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, listen, I need to go--Noah’s dance class is almost over.  We should be home by five, if you want to drop her off.  Anytime after five is fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Liv,” he said sincerely.  “I really do appreciate this.  I’ll probably drop her off in about an hour or so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Perfect,” she told him.  “See you then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael dropped her off just shy of six, so he could meet Sonny in time at the theater.  “Have fun,” he told her, kissing her cheek, “and come back with all your hair, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re very not funny, Papi,” she told him grumpily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love your new haircut,” Liv told her, stroking her hair.  “I hope you like spaghetti, because that’s what’s for dinner tonight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Weally?” Marley asked, attention immediately turned to Liv.  “I wove spaghetti!  My dad is Italian, didja know that, Aunt Wivvy?  He makes pasta all the time and it’s so good!  He tan even make it by hand, wike my grammy. But we still sometimes use the stuff from the fridge, tause it’s faster and Daddy says he don’t have time to make it always.”  Turning to Rafael, she said, “Bye Papi...see ya tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bye mija.  Have fun.”  Looking at Liv, he added, “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No problem,” she said, following him to the door, “have fun.”  She closed it behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marley, Noah’s friend Ashley is here right now too.  They’re in his room, if you want to go play with them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Otay,” she said, and wandered down the hall to Noah’s room.  She found them sitting on his bed, watching dance videos on his tablet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Noah,” she said.  “What are you guys doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Marley.  We’re watching dance videos.  Wanna see?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded.  “Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They made room for her on the bed, and she climbed up next to them.  “Whoa, wook at them go!” Marley said after a minute.  “That’s weally amazing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ashley looked at her, confused.  “Why do you talk that way?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m workin’ on my speech,” Marley told her.  “I have a speech delay, my teacher says.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Noah was watching them.  “You sound like a baby, though,” he said, and Marley made a face.  “Sorry, but you do.  You’re like, ‘I weally wike that’ and stuff.”  He said it in a high pitched, whiny voice, and Marley’s face started to turn red.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t make fun of me, Noah!  That’s mean.”  She crossed her arms and looked at him angrily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged.  “Sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you like to dance?” Ashley asked Marley, and Marley relaxed a little bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A wittle bit,” she said.  “I dance with my daddy sometimes.  But my papi, he’s Cuban, and  he knows how to do some weally, weally tool dances!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ashley and Noah giggled.  “He does?” Ashley asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” Marley agreed.  “He weally does.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Weally?” asked Noah.  “Weally weally?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley felt her face grow hot.  “You’re being mean, Noah!  Don’t make fun of me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, quit being a baby, Marley!” Noah huffed.  “You gotta learn how to talk like actual people.  Kids.  Kids bigger than babies!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do sound like a little kid,” Ashley said.  “I have a baby sister and she talks like that...and she’s like, two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley’s eyes filled with tears.  “I tan’t help it.  I’m trying to do better!  I don’t try to talk wike a baby…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ashley,” Liv called from the other room, “your mom is here!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay!” Ashley called back.  “See you later, Noah.”  Looking at Marley, she said, “Bye.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So why’s my mom babysitting you tonight?” Noah asked.  “Is it ‘cause your dads have date night again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sniffling and wiping her eyes, Marley nodded.  “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re probably trying to have another baby,” Noah reasoned.  “That’s probably why they don’t want you there.  It’s the sex stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My papi says they don’t want another baby.  Plus they don’t got a uterus.”  She sat back down on the bed.  “He says they just need private time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Noah shrugged.  “That’s not nice.  It sounds like they just want time away from you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Time away from her.  Did they not love her anymore?  What about Abby?  She was too busy too...or maybe she didn’t want to be around Marley either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay kids,” Liv called, “spaghetti!  Wash your hands!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Kay, Mom!” Noah called back, and headed toward the bathroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanna go home,” Marley whispered, but nobody heard her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That movie was phenomenal,” Sonny said as they left the theater.  “That was a great surprise!  Thank you for that...I really appreciated it.”  His eyes were bright and his smile large as he turned to Rafael.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you’d enjoy that one,” Rafael told him as Sonny leaned down and kissed him gently.  “We do have reservations--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny sighed softly and moved closer to his husband.  “Do you think we could just do takeout tonight?  I’d really rather be home with you alone.”  He lightly ran a finger down the front of Rafael’s shirt.  “I mean, if you agree.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael smiled, then kissed the tip of Sonny’s finger.  “I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure you don’t want a snack, honey?  You barely ate any dinner.”  Liv patted Marley’s back gently.  Something wasn’t right.  This child was usually incredibly talkative and outgoing, but tonight she had hardly said a word.  She’d picked at her dinner and stared quietly at the screen through a movie.  Now she was in her pajamas on the couch, ready for bed, and Liv couldn’t help but feel the sadness around her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m otay,” she said softly, snuggling her knuffle bunny closer.  “What time is Daddy tomin’ to get me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In the morning, around nine,” she said, kneeling down next to Marley and tucking her in.  “Either he or Papi will be here, he said.  Are you sure you’re okay?”  Marley nodded again, but didn’t speak.  Liv turned the light off, leaving a small light on in the kitchen.  “If you need me, you know my bedroom, right?”  She stopped.  “Do you want to sleep with me, Marley?  Are you nervous?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m otay.  Goodnight, Aunt Wivvy.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv stood still for a second, then nodded.  “Goodnight, lovey.  See you in the morning.”  Liv turned and went into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley snuggled closer to knuffle bunny, wishing Pru was there, wondering if her papi and her daddy were really wishing she was never around, and praying that she’d be able to talk like a big girl sooner rather than later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was more amazing than the movie,” Sonny sighed, lying next to Rafael in post coital bliss.  “You okay too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael hummed.  “Perfect.  I’m so glad we got this night together...thank God for Liv.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For sure,” Sonny agreed, rolling onto his side facing Rafael.  “Speaking of which, why is our daughter with my former boss and not with my mother in law?  Everything okay with Lucia?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael grew silent.  He hadn’t told Sonny very much about what had happened in the last few days with his mother, and he didn’t know how to start now.  Sonny lay a hand on his stomach.  “Rafael?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a long story,” Rafael said, trying to wave it off.  “Can we talk about it later?  I just want to focus on us tonight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smiling, Sonny kissed him.  “Sure.  I more wanted to check on you...make sure everything’s okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re good.”  Rafael stroked Sonny’s face, then kissed him again.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was dark when Marley opened her eyes.  The clock said 6:09.  There were strange noises all around her, and knuffle bunny had fallen on the floor.  She suddenly realized she was wet on her aunt Livvy’s sofa--she had been upset and forgot to use the bathroom before she went to bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sniffling, she sat up and turned on the small lamp on the end table.  She crawled over to her duffel bag and grabbed her clean clothes for the day, then snuck down the hall to the bathroom.  She found a clean washcloth and wet it in the sink, and washed herself off with it the best she could as she changed her clothes.  She’d never done this by herself before.  Whenever she had an accident, Papi or Daddy always helped her and made sure she was okay.  They helped her get clean, get dressed, and change her sheets.  They washed her wet clothes.  What if they didn’t want her around anymore?  What if Noah was right?  What if Abby didn’t want her anymore either?  Was she really that bad of a kid?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sat down on the floor, feeling the tears fall down her face.  They always said they loved her.  Maybe Noah was wrong.  Maybe they just needed private time, like Papi said.  Maybe if she worked really hard to be the best girl she could be, they would keep her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She missed them both tonight so much that her chest ached..  It was hard to swallow and she wiped the tears from her eyes with her little fists.  Maybe Aunt Livvy had a phone here she could use.  She knew their phone numbers.  Callie taught her last year.  She can call both Daddy AND Papi, and most kids could only call one number.  They had been proud of that, she remembered, and laughed a little, wiping her face again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Grabbing her wet clothes, she quietly made her way back to the couch and shoved them in a pocket of her duffel bag.  Papi would not be happy if he found them, but she could remember to move them first so he wouldn’t know.  She pulled off the wet sheets and tried to fold them, but they were too big, so she bunched them up and put the dry ones on top, so nobody would know she had an accident.  She looked around the room and saw a phone by the light at the other end of the couch.  Picking it up, she dialed Papi’s number carefully so she wouldn’t wake anyone else by mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It rang a few times before she heard his voice, gravelly with sleep.  “Liv?  Everything okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s me, Papi.  It’s Marwee” she said, fighting back the tears in her eyes.  “I’m sorry to mess up your date night with Daddy but tan you get me?  I just weally need to tome home.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He shook his head.  “It’s okay, Liv.  Not a big deal.”  He sidestepped her and picked up the shuddering child behind her.  “Esta bien, mi dulce nina,” he murmured into Marley’s ear, and Liv watched as Marley’s body immediately relaxed into her father’s.  “Papi esta aqui.  Te amo, princesa.” (It’s okay, my sweet girl.  Papi’s here.  I love you, Princess.)  For a moment Liv felt a mix of sweet, sweet love and jealousy for never having the experience of a loving father.  This little girl was incredibly lucky, she thought.  And so was her father.<br/>*****</p><p>When Marley shares some of her worry with her dads, they rush to comfort her, then Rafael puts the blame where he thinks it belongs.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello and thank you for reading!</p><p>I know this story has brought up some stuff for a lot of readers.  My comments here and on twitter are always open if you'd like to share, or if you need to talk.  You can catch me on twitter as Ava_now@vagrlnok.</p><p>Kudos and comments always rock, and I love to receive them!</p><p>Thanks for your interest in this story, and I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shot up in bed.  “Marley?  What’s going on, honey?  Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could hear her sniffling and knew immediately she was crying.  “Uh-huh.  I just need to tome home is all.  I’m sorry, Papi.  Tan you please get me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was already tugging on his pants, and Sonny had rolled over and was looking at him confusedly.  “Of course, princesa.  I’ll be there in a few minutes.  Where’s Aunt Livvy?  Can I speak to her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley was quiet for a minute.  “She’s asleep, Papi.  I didn’t wanna wake her up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael stopped, and sighed heavily.  “Are you scared, honey?  Or did you just miss home?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she said.  “I weally miss you an’ Daddy an’ Pru…”  He could hear her crying softly again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay honey.  I’m going to come and get you, but we have to tell Aunt Livvy so she doesn’t worry.  If you want to wait until I get there, you can, and we’ll tell her together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Papi…” There was a pause, and then, “I peed on her sofa by accident.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes, not sure whether to laugh or snort.  “It’s okay, honey.  We can have that cleaned.  I’ll be there in a few minutes, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he hung up, Sonny touched his arm.  “She okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded.  “She, uh…” He chuckled.  “She peed on the sofa and is upset.  She says she misses all of us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled too.  “Poor kid.  She’s probably mortified.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm.  Yeah.  I’ll be back soon.”  He pecked Sonny’s lips, then headed out to get his daughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marley?”  Liv wrapped her robe around her more tightly as she approached the little girl, who looked startled to see her.  “Are you okay, honey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” she said quickly, nodding her head and eyes wide.  “I talled my papi.  I’m sorry, I just wanna go home.”  She started to cry, much more than she had in the bathroom, and Liv knelt down and hugged her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, sweetheart!  It’s okay...I would have called your papi for you if you wanted!  You can always call your papi or your daddy when you’re here.  That’s always fine, honey.  Are you missing them tonight a little?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” she nodded, wide eyes filled with tears.  “A wot.  I’m sorry, Aunt Wivvy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Liv tried to reassure her again.  “You don’t have to be sorry for that, honey.  It’s okay.”  She rubbed the little girl’s back, feeling terribly guilty that she hadn’t thought to call earlier.  She had just assumed Marley was tired and not feeling her best, and she’d be okay in the morning.  Clearly that wasn’t the case.  “Honey, is your papi on his way?”  She put her hand on the couch near Marley and realized immediately it was wet.  “Oh…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had an accident...I’m sorry, Aunt Wivvy…” Marley started to cry again, and there was a soft but firm knock on the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a big deal,” Liv told her as she stood to open the door.  She turned to Rafael.  “Hey...I’m so sorry.  I didn’t realize she was this upset.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head.  “It’s okay, Liv.  Not a big deal.”  He sidestepped her and picked up the shuddering child behind her.  “Esta bien, mi dulce nina,” he murmured into Marley’s ear, and Liv watched as Marley’s body immediately relaxed into her father’s.  “Papi esta aqui.  Te amo, princesa.” (It’s okay, my sweet girl.  Papi’s here.  I love you, Princess.)  For a moment Liv felt a mix of sweet, sweet love and jealousy for never having the experience of a loving father.  This little girl was incredibly lucky, she thought.  And so was her father.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned back to her.  “I think she had an accident on your couch,” he said quietly, as Marley buried her face in his neck.  “I can take care of the bill to clean it...just let us know, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She winked at him.  “Don’t worry about it, Rafa.  It was time to get it cleaned anyway.”  She handed him Marlene’s duffel bag and followed them to the door.  “I’m truly sorry I didn’t catch it earlier,” she told him, and when he looked at her, he could see the guilt all over her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He half smiled.  “No apologies necessary.  And let’s get together for pizza soon, okay?  All of us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded.  “Enjoy your weekend,” she told them as they left.  She closed the door behind them, and Rafael carried his little love to the elevator.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Papi?” Maley asked that night after they finished reading, “Tan I sweep with you and Daddy tonight?  Me an’ Pru tan even sweep on the floor in my sweeping bag.  I’ll be very good and go wight to sweep.  Please?  Just tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael smiled gently and combed his fingers through her hair.  It was growing already, he was glad to see.  She’d been quiet and clingy today, and if he hadn’t left her with Olivia last night, he’d be much more concerned that something awful had happened.  “Sweetie, Daddy and I are right down the hall, just like always.  You know that, right?  It’s going to be just fine…”  Seeing her eyes growing wider and starting to well with tears, he felt a growing level of discomfort in his gut.  “Marley,” he said hesitantly, almost scared to ask, “did something happen last night that upset you?  More than wetting the bed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sniffled a little.  “Are you sure you still wanna be my papi?  If you an’ Daddy don’t want me any more, will you help me find another place to live?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mouth fell open in shock.  “Marlene,” he gasped, “Of course I want to be your papi!  Honey, there’s nothing I want more on this earth!”  He reached over and pulled her into his arms, feeling her start to sob.  “Baby, I don’t know where you got that idea, but it’s not true at all!  Daddy and I love you more than anything, and we will always, ALWAYS want to be your dads!”  He squeezed her tightly, kissing her head over and over, before yelling, “Sonny!”  He kissed her head a few more times, then said, “Marley...why would you think we don’t want to be your dads?  That’s NEVER been true!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was sniffling against his shirt, so he pulled her apart from him.  “Honey...why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny made it to the room just as she said, “Tause...tause you don’t want me around on Fridays...on date night.  You said you don’t want any more tids, so maybe you’re just tired of tids.  And now Abby don’t want me either...plus I tan’t talk so good wike other tids do, and I pee my bed sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned to Sonny as he sat on the bed with them, looking confused.  “For some reason, Marley is thinking we don’t want to be her dads anymore,” Rafael explained.  Sonny looked as shocked as Rafael felt, and he continued.  “Marley, we love you more than anything.  It wouldn’t matter if you couldn’t talk and you had to wear diapers every day.  You are our daughter, and we will always love you completely, no matter what.  Right, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Sonny echoed, stroking his daughter’s hair.  “Dolly, Papi and I have loved you since we knew about you.  I had prayed for a baby for us before then.  The happiest two days of my life were the day I married your papi, and the day you were born.  Baby, if you ever feel like that again, tell us right away, because we need to help you remember how very much we love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She rubbed her tears into Rafael’s shirt.  “I was stared you guys were having a wot of fun and...and...and maybe decide it’s funner without me.”  She sniffled again.  “And some tids are nicer and wisten better.  But I tan try harder to be a goodder girl...a better girl, I mean.  Promise you still will always be my dads?  I wove you guys and...and…” she took a breath.  “And my chest hurts when my brain thinks you wouldn’t be my dads.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael held onto her little body tightly.  “I don’t want any other kids.  Just this one right here.  How about you, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled softly and kissed her forehead.  “This is the only one I want too.  I love my family.  Me, Papi, and Marley…” Pru suddenly jumped onto the bed next to him, walking across his lap to get to Marley, and they all laughed.  “Okay, Pru, I love you too,” Sonny said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley giggled.  “Pru woves you too, Daddy.  She’s a good girl, wight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She is,” Sonny agreed, “but so are you.  It’s important that you know that Papi and I think you are a very good girl, and we love you very much.  But Marley, even if you were NOT a good girl, we would love you very much.  You are our daughter, and you are part of our family forever and ever, no matter what.  And that means no matter how good you are, or how clearly you talk, or where you pee.  Got it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sniffled and nodded, then smiled.  “Yeah, Daddy.  I gotted it now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Rafael said, giving her a final squeeze.  “I love you, baby.  Let’s get you tucked in for bed, okay?  And Daddy and I will be right down the hall if you need us.  I promise you’re stuck with us for good.”  He covered her up with the blankets as she snuggled under them, and Sonny handed her knuffle bunny.  “We love you to the moon and back, mija.  Always remember that, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded.  “Kissies?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled and leaned down, kissing her cheek.  Sonny followed, kissing her again and whispering, “We love you, dolly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They turned off the light and left the door open, then made their way down the hall, Rafael continuing all the way to the master bedroom.  Sonny, curious as to what his husband was doing, followed him and closed the door.  “You okay?” he asked.  “If you’re blaming yourself somehow, don’t.  This isn’t your fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned around, eyes red.  “You’re right,” he said, and he was shaking angrily.  “It’s my mother’s.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“I know you don’t want to do this.  You’ve already told me,” she argued with him on the way to buy the shoes.  “But one day you’ll thank me.  When you’re sitting on your nice sofa somewhere out of el barrio, you’ll call your mami and thank her for helping you get the money to get out.  Trust me, Rafi, money buys choices.  Playing little league for three years gives you the opportunity to apply for their scholarships when you’re old enough for college.  You’ll like them a lot better when they’re handing you two thousand dollars to go to school.  You’ll see.”</p><p>He played for three years, applied for the scholarship in his junior year of high school, and received the $2500 maximum.  It paid for the laptop he needed at Harvard his first year.</p><p>And until Sonny Carisi, Rafael hadn’t stepped foot in a ball park since he was twelve.</p><p>*****</p><p>Rafael's memories of his childhood battle with his desire to love and respect Lucia.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading!</p><p>Just a quick note that I completely made up all information about Little League.  I have no idea if they offer scholarships or what would be required, so don't plan your future college finances based on this story, lol!</p><p>A few people have commented along the lines of wanting Noah to be reprimanded for his actions in an earlier chapter.  It will happen, but it's going to be awhile, so hold on tight.</p><p>Thank you SO MUCH for the kudos and comments, and please keep them coming!  Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s a great opportunity for him,” Lucia was telling Miguel as Rafael listened on, pretending to be busy doing homework.  “There’s no cost and it’ll get him involved in sports.  You know, like you’ve wanted, papi.”  Little League also sponsored college scholarships later, but she didn’t mention it.  Her husband wouldn’t care about details like that--he’d be more concerned that his boy was turning into a man.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Miguel looked at the handout for a second, then tossed it to the table.  “What, just free for el alfeneque, or for everyone?  This isn’t a charity!” (the weakling)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s for everyone!  The whole neighborhood, whoever wants to play.  All we have to pay for is his shoes, but I can work some extra hours at the market to buy the shoes.”  Lucia’s entire face was hopeful.  “So?  What do you think?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Miguel took a swig from his beer, then shrugged.  “I don’t care.  If you wanna buy him the shoes with your own money, fine, but don’t use mine.”  He pointed to Rafael.  “You hear that, boy?  Your mami wants to do something nice for you.  You better take care of those shoes.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rafael looked up from his homework.  “Yes sir,” he nodded.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He didn’t want to play little league.  He’d played ball enough with his friends to know what a disaster this would be.  But his mami hadn’t listened to him, instead arguing that it was a possibility to get him money for college.  College?  He was nine.  That was a long, long time to play ball.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know you don’t want to do this.  You’ve already told me,” she argued with him on the way to buy the shoes.  “But one day you’ll thank me.  When you’re sitting on your nice sofa somewhere out of el barrio, you’ll call your mami and thank her for helping you get the money to get out.  Trust me, Rafi, money buys choices.  Playing little league for three years gives you the opportunity to apply for their scholarships when you’re old enough for college.  You’ll like them a lot better when they’re handing you two thousand dollars to go to school.  You’ll see.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He played for three years, applied for the scholarship in his junior year of high school, and received the $2500 maximum.  It paid for the laptop he needed at Harvard his first year.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And until Sonny Carisi, Rafael hadn’t stepped foot in a ball park since he was twelve.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know I will always support you,” Sonny was saying as he stroked Rafael’s hand.  “No matter what.  But I hope you trust me enough to let me be honest with you...I really do think she loves you, Rafi.  I don’t think she’s trying to purposely undermine you or that she was trying to hurt Marlene.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were sitting at a park picnic table, enjoying their coffee while Marley played on the equipment.  Pru was lying at their feet on her leash, looking content.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shook his head.  “You don’t know her like I do.  She’s far more clever and manipulative than people think, which is how she’s managed to do most things in her life.  She ran rings around my father without him knowing for years.  And she’s running that school by herself.  It takes a lot of intelligence, but it also takes a lot of kissing ass, charming people, and manipulating.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny laughed.  “What old white men call networking, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shot him a dirty look, then continued.  “All I’m saying is she’s not as sweet, genuine, and innocent as people seem to believe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny smiled at his husband, hoping to calm him slightly.  “Rafi, maybe she had to develop those edges to survive, you know?  You yourself have said how rough things were with your dad.  Maybe those traits helped to keep her--and maybe even you--alive.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael snorted.  “My abuelo had put aside money for her to go to school.  He wanted her to have a good life, to have more opportunities.  Abuelita told me that they had planned for her to go to nursing school.  They had saved up nearly enough to pay for the entire course of training.  When it was time to enroll, Abuelo gave her the money to go enroll and trusted her to do it.  She disappeared for a week, and when she came home, she and Papi were married and all the money was gone.”  He shook his head.  “I know I’ve talked a lot about Papi and what a nightmare he was, but Mami wasn’t exactly an innocent victim.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rafi, come on,” Sonny nudged him.  “She was eighteen!  How many of us have done ridiculously stupid things when we were eighteen?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael side-eyed him.  “I wouldn’t know.  It’s not like I had the freedom to make those kinds of mistakes without ruining my entire life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny rolled his eyes.  “You know, if she did that today, she’d have an annulment and a funny story to tell in ten years.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One year, she wanted this fancy dress for New Year’s and we didn’t have the money.  Papi’s shop had been struggling.  We’d been eating beans and rice twice a week for what seemed like forever.  I had holes in the knees of all my pants.  So a couple days before Christmas, she’s going on about that dress, and he tells her to shut up about it, we can’t afford it, if we can’t even eat meat at dinner he’s not gonna pay for her to look like una puta(a slut), for the neighborhood men to stare at her.  So she stops talking about it, and that night I wake up to hear them carrying on like they’re in a porn movie.  Like they’d been deprived of sex for years.  And on Christmas morning, the only present under the tree was for Mami.  It was that dress.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny squeezed his hand.  “And you were stuck with torn pants.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Story of my life.”  He shook his head, then took a sip of coffee.  “Just the thought that she would criticize my parenting--OUR parenting--it infuriates me.  I know without a doubt, if we had to, either of us would give up everything for Marlene to be clean and safe and well-cared for.  She doesn’t, or at least didn’t back then, share the same values.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, it’s been a long time since then,” Sonny reflected.  “Maybe she’s matured since then, understands her mistakes and doesn’t want to repeat them.  Maybe if you talk with her about this stuff, you guys can move forward.  Have a better relationship and let some of this stuff go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shook his head.  “I don’t know...especially now--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi guys!” Marley ran over and jumped on Sonny.  He laughed and scooped her into his lap.  “Hi Daddy!  I think I need some hot totoa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh really?  I seem to recall somebody deciding to skip it a little bit ago because we REALLY needed to get to the park…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pouted.  “I’m sorry.  I wasn’t thirsty then, but now I’m weally thirsty.  Plus I’m told.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thirsty and cold,” Rafael repeated, teasing, “let me guess, hungry too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” she responded, tapping her chin.  “Now that you say that, my tummy’s a wittle growly!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reached over and tickled her, and she squealed before allowing him to pull her into his lap.  “All right, all right...I think we can stop on the way home and get some hot cocoa and a little snack...probably some vegetables.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Papi!” she giggled, “No...no veggies for snack!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh come on,” Sonny fake-complained.  “How about sushi?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yuck!  No!  I don’t wike waw fish!”  She scrunched up her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Man, you’re tough!” Rafael told her, tickling her belly.  “I guess we’ll have to find something.  I don’t know, it might be tough to force it down...but Daddy, do you think we should stop for a donut?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ugh,” Sonny groaned, holding his stomach, “I don’t know...it’s gonna be hard to eat one of those…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do it!” Marley said excitedly.  “I’ll finish yours for you if you want, Daddy!  Don’t worry, Papi, I tan finish yours too!  I tan take one for the team!” she announced, then looking between them, she added, “I tan take TWO for the team!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael chuckled and picked her up as Sonny grabbed Pru’s leash.  “I bet you can,” Rafael told her, and they headed out of the park toward the donut shop, and home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made his way to the back of the small restaurant, to a booth where she was already perusing the menu.  As he sat down, she said, “I took the liberty to order you scotch...McCallan, corect?  I think I got a twelve.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slid out of his coat.  “Thank you.  That’s the one I’m most fond of, yes.”  He sat down across from her, and she looked up at him.  “Hi,” he greeted, forcing a smile.  “How are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could tell her smile was as forced as his.  “Fine, just fine.  And you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a sip of scotch.  “We’re doing well.  Sonny’s loving his new position and Marley is making great progress in kindergarten, especially speech...I met with her speech teacher a couple weeks ago and he was very optimistic.”  He sat back.  “She’s very proud of the work she is doing, and we’re proud of her too.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should be.  She’s a wonderful little girl.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The server appeared and took their orders, then left the table.  They both sipped their drinks, sitting in awkward silence for several minutes, until Lucia finally spoke.  “I know you’re angry with me, Rafi,” she began, putting her wine glass down.  “I know you feel I’ve failed you in many ways over the years, and perhaps I have.  I know I didn’t protect you from Papi, not like I should have.  And I didn’t always put you first like I should have either.  I know that.”  She paused and took another sip of wine.  “I guess I thought, to some degree, we’d moved past all that.  Once you got married and had mi querida (my darling), I thought we were finally relating to each other in a different way, as mutual adults.  And then suddenly, lately, we can’t seem to have a conversation--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here we are,” the server announced, placing both of their meals on the table.  They waited quietly until he departed, and then Lucia took another long sip of her wine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What I was trying to say is, I don’t know why we’re suddenly at odds, but I don’t like it and I want to fix it.”  Her fingers circled the base of her wine glass nervously.  “You’re very important to me, and so are Soleado and mi nieta (my granddaughter).”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cleared his throat, unsure of what to say.  “Mami, I want this fixed too...I just don’t know how,” he began, feeling as nervous as she looked, and before he could say any more, she had jumped in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for my mistakes, mijo.  All of them.  Can you accept my apology and move on?  Or do you know what you’re so angry about suddenly?”  She met his eyes and sadly added, “I miss my family, mijo.  More than I can say.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why…” he started, then stopped; seeing the look on her face, he suddenly pushed the words out.  “Why did you cancel on Marley a few weeks ago?  I realize you think you canceled on me, but in the end it was Marley who paid the price for that.  She stayed with somebody else, and ended up thinking the whole time that you didn’t love her anymore, or you must be tired of being around her.”  He left out the rest of the conversation, telling himself that it wasn’t relevant.  “It hurt her, Mami.  It hurt her terribly.  She cried and we had to convince her that she is very much loved by her whole family.  And the only reason that happened was because you were angry with something I said.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucia shook her head.  “I wasn’t trying to punish Marlene.  You know I love that precious girl more than anything.  I’m so sorry she misunderstood…” She took her napkin and began to dab her eyes, but it was too late.  Rafael watched in relative horror as his mother began to sob across from him, first quietly, and then louder, as though her heart had been ripped out.  “I’m so sorry,” she cried, gasping messily, “I would never hurt mi querida like that...I just needed to feel like you trusted me before...before...before I took her again.”  Lucia hiccupped, and feeling at a loss, Rafael left his seat and slid next to her in the booth, patting her back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mami...shh, Mama...it’s going to be all right, you know that…” he told her, while once again scolding himself internally for having the backbone of an invertebrate.  A handful of people nearby were casting them odd looks, so he rubbed her back even more.  “I just think we need to talk some things out.  You know I love you, I always have, and I know all the sacrifices you made for me.  I could never be ungrateful, Mami...but I want your respect also.  And to be honest…” He paused, but she had turned to look him in the eye, and he had to finish what he had started to say.  “To be honest, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am </span>
  </em>
  <span>angry with you, over several things...things we need to talk about.  But that anger doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  You will always be mi madre (my mother), the first and most beautiful woman I’ve known.  Si?”  He smiled gently and squeezed her shoulders, and she finally exhaled and nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And as he smiled back at her, he wondered if they really would make progress this time, or if they were halfway back to burying their issues already.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>His mother had stopped crying, and now sat up very straight.  She glanced at Rafael.  “Papi, no,” she told him, reaching for Rafael and wrapping her arms around him.  “We just need somewhere to stay tonight.  Miguel will calm down, and we’ll go home.”  Her hand ran over Rafael’s head, and she said, “My son needs to live with his father.”</p><p>Abuelo stiffened, then took his gun out of his coat and unloaded it.  Looking at his daughter, he said gruffly, “Your son needs to live with a man.”</p><p>*****<br/>Rafael's memories of childhood painfully haunt him on his morning run.  Unfortunately, his daughter doesn't fare much better on the school playground.</p><p>TW:  bullying, sexual assault, physical assault, homophobic language</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please take note of the trigger warnings on this chapter!!!  TW include bullying, sexual and physical assaults, and homophobic language.</p><p>This chapter's loaded with a lot of painful stuff from start to finish, pretty much, so just be prepared.</p><p>Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael had been having trouble sleeping ever since he had lunch with his mother a few days before.  He’d felt terrible that she had cried.  His father had been a master at that, at breaking his mother’s heart over and over again, and seeing her tears had brought that into the forefront.  They had agreed to meet at her apartment one evening this week to begin to talk.  That was a start, but who knew how far it would go?  He had no idea if they’d make any progress at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d tossed in bed long enough and decided to go for a run before Sonny and Marlene had to be up.  It was just past five; he thought he could get in a good run through the park and back before Sonny got up at 6:30.  Maybe he’d even surprise him with coffee or a cinnamon roll.  Sonny loved those things.  He didn’t know how a grown man could eat so much sugar for breakfast, but Sonny loved it.  He smiled to himself, climbing out of bed and pulling on his track suit.  He grabbed his socks and shoes, then quietly made his way out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned on a small light in the front room and put his socks and shoes on.  It was freezing outside, colder than a typical mid-November, but it wasn’t raining, so he tugged on an extra hoodie and hoped for the best.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Heading out toward the park a couple blocks away, he walked quickly against the wind, dodging other people on the sidewalk.  He thought about that dress his mother had gotten for New Year’s Eve that year and wondered if she had felt bad when she saw the holes in his pants.  He crossed the street, entering the park, and began his run.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remembered when he had to chase Amanda Rollins down here, not far from where he was at this moment, because she wouldn’t return his calls.  The pain she had been in and been hiding had been immense at that point.  He’d tried to be patient with her, exercise compassion; he found himself wondering where he learned to do that.  Who taught him to be compassionate?  The easy answer was that he learned it from Abuelita, from when she comforted other people.  When she comforted him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mami had him by the hand and was banging on Abuelita’s door with her empty one.  It was cold and raining, and he was scared to look up at her.  “Mama!” she yelled, banging again, and suddenly the door opened, with Abuelo on the other side.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Papi,” she gasped, suddenly bursting into tears.  He quickly ushered them inside and closed the door.  Abuelita appeared and took Mami by the arm into the kitchen, and he followed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where is he?” Abuelo’s voice was dark and angry.  Rafael had never heard that voice before.  “I’m going to kill the sonofabitch.  Is he at home?  HIs time on earth is over.”  Abuelo had his shiny revolver, the one Rafael had seen but wasn’t allowed to touch.  He was tucking it inside of his coat.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Juan!” Abuelita said sharply, then she said a lot of Spanish words very quickly that Rafael didn’t know or couldn’t hear.  Mami was still crying loudly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rafi,” Abuelita called him, and he ran to her quickly.  “Hold this on your mami’s face,” she told him, and he pressed the ice pack to the cheek that was turning purple.  She had been bleeding above her eye and on her lip, but it was stopping now.  Mami wiped her mouth with a cloth.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The two older adults moved into another room, talking quickly and in hushed voices.  As he held the ice on her cheek, Mami looked at him.  “Mi valiente chico,” she whispered to him, smiling (my brave boy).  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned left, following the path.  He hadn’t felt brave that night.  In fact, he had been terrified.  He wasn’t an idiot--he’d known what a gun could do and had been convinced that his grandfather was going to kill his dad that night.  But he hadn’t.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lucia!” Abuelo had come back into the kitchen, his expression angry still.  “Mama and I will take you to get your things in the morning.  You and Rafi will live here with us.  We’ll make it work.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His mother had stopped crying, and now sat up very straight.  She glanced at Rafael.  “Papi, no,” she told him, reaching for Rafael and wrapping her arms around him.  “We just need somewhere to stay tonight.  Miguel will calm down, and we’ll go home.”  Her hand ran over Rafael’s head, and she said, “My son needs to live with his father.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Abuelo stiffened, then took his gun out of his coat and unloaded it.  Looking at his daughter, he said gruffly, “Your son needs to live with a man.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How old had he been then?  Six, maybe?  Around Marley’s age, probably.  He was jogging past part of the pond now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“A man?” Miguel sneered at him.  Rafael’s face was stinging where his father’s slap had just connected.  “It’s impossible to turn a girl into a man!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father had found out that day that he’d lost his lunch money to a bully.  His mother had done nothing that time, just watched, then walked out of the room. He was eleven.  Rafael followed the trail, passing another runner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Cono! (Pussy)!  You cry like a bitch!”  Miguel shoved him into his room, and Rafael tripped, hitting his head on the edge of the bed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two weeks after Abuelo died, when he was fourteen.  He should have known better than to cry when his father was home.  That’s what she’d said to him when she came in afterward, handing him a rag to hold to his head.  He should’ve known better.  That was always her mantra, it seemed.  He picked up his speed.  There was no reason he couldn’t go faster than this…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Maricon!” Miguel screamed, as Evan ran from the room.  “Puta!” (Fag! Bitch!)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rafael scrambled back until there was nowhere to go.  “Papi!,” he begged, hands out, “Lo siento, Papi...it’ll never happen again, I swear…” (I’m sorry)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You wanna be a pussy?” Miguel growled as he approached.  “Then guess what, puta?  Papi’s gonna make you one!”  Miguel fired a kick between his son’s legs, and Rafael collapsed to the floor and vomited.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were burning and he continued to run, filled with shame.  Keep a steady rhythm, he thought now.  Focus on your speed, your rhythm...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“He wants to fuck boys, so I kicked him in the balls.  Let him try that now, eh?” he heard his father brag to Lucia when she got home from her job at the market.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was halfway back to the apartment now, but not fast enough...despite his run, it was cold, like it felt when he was lying on the bedroom floor that night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You haven’t taken him anywhere yet?”  Abuelita sounded angry.  And shocked.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t know what to do, Mama!  Rafi won’t let me look so I don’t know how bad it is...I don’t know what to do!  Besides, what are people going to say?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rafi,” Abuelita entered his room and immediately sat next to him on the floor.  “Mijo.”  He lay his head in her lap and sobbed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d been fifteen.  The doctor had said that there was no permanent damage they could see for now, and had given instructions to manage pain and swelling.  However, the doctor had also told them that once Rafael was an adult, he may want to have a fertility test run.  It was possible the injury may have impacted his ability to father a child.  And Rafael had said to all of them, “It doesn’t matter.  I’m never having a child.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t wanted to ever risk bringing that kind of pain onto another person, especially a person he was supposed to love and protect above all others.  He knew all too well what it was like to be failed in that way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slowed down to a walk now, tears dried off his face.  He’d made a vow when he married Sonny that any child they had would have his best.  He would never allow a child to suffer the ways he had.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They were in her bed, enjoying the break.  They’d been smoking a joint and she’d put on the Grateful Dead.  “Mood music,” she’d said, and they’d both cracked up like she was the funniest person on earth.  They’d stayed high most of the day, occasionally eating or sleeping or having sex whenever the urge hit.  She was exploring his body now, stroking his stomach, then his cock, finally moving to his balls.  “One of these things is not like the other,” Rita had hummed as she fondled them one at a time.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d told Rita why that very day, and they both had laughed until they cried, and then he cried until he threw up.  And Rita had said, “Don’t worry, Barba.  I won’t tell anyone why your ball is weird and I really won’t tell them that you cried and puked about it.”  And she had said it so sincerely that, still high, he’d rolled her over and fucked her again, telling her repeatedly that she was the best.  Best at what, he never specified.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny had realized on their third night together.  But it would be nearly a year before he would finally tell his lover why.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay, Rafi...shh, honey, it’s okay...I’m so sorry that happened to you…’sokay...let it all out.”  Sonny held him, stroking his back as Rafael sobbed much as he had at fifteen.  “I’m so sorry, honey...that should’ve never happened to you.  It shouldn’t happen to anyone.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael entered the condo, toeing off his shoes by the front mat.  It was still quiet, so he made his way back to the bedroom.  Sonny was still dozing quietly, despite the alarm having gone off.  Rafael stripped down to his tee shirt and boxers, and climbed into bed with his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny rolled over and wrapped his arms around him, leaning in for a kiss without opening his eyes.  “Love you,” he murmured.  “Everything okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Sonny,” he replied, snuggling as close as he could.  “Te amo.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> ***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kindergartners were on the playground for a short recess.  The wind was blowing viciously, and Marley tugged her hat down over her ears.  She’d argued and told Papi she didn’t need it, but since he made her bring it anyway, she might as well wear it now…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Crouching down, she picked up a piece of sidewalk chalk and began to write her name in big letters.  M-A-R-L-E-Y.  She looked back at it and smiled.  She could also write Daddy’s name.  S-O-N-N-Y.  Yeah, that’s right!  Two N’s!  She knew Papi’s name too...it was R-A-F-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Marley!”  Noah ran up to her just then, followed by Ashley and another little girl she didn’t know.  “Do you know if you’re gonna have to spend the night again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shrugged.  “I dunno.  But my dads said you’re wrong, and they want me around.  They wove me a whole bunch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Noah looked at Ashley and the other girl, and they all shrugged.  “That’s nice,” he said, sitting down next to her.  “Just maybe ask them if you can stay somewhere else on date nights.  You peed on my mom’s couch, and she had to clean it that morning instead of going to dance practice with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The girls began to giggle, and the one she didn’t know cried out, “You wet your bed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley stood up and crossed her arms.  “I had an accident.  That’s all!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The girl turned to Ashley and said, “You’re right--she IS a baby!  Hey Noah, why are you hanging out with kindergarten babies?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Noah stood up and looked at Marley, then at his friends.  “She’s not really a baby...she just had one accident.  Plus she’s learning how to talk better.  She’s trying.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure she’s not wearing a diaper?” the little girl laughed.  “I bet she’s wearing a diaper if she talks like a baby!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Quit, Chloe,” Noah said.  “You’re being mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe walked up to Marley.  “Say this:  I really love my dad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She has two of them,” Ashley corrected.  “Her dads are gay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe started laughing.  “You’re a baby and your daddies are fags?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you say that about my dads!” Marley yelled, feeling her face turn red again.  “My dads are the best dads ever!  You don’t even know them!  That word is ugly.  You tan say gay or you tan say homosexual.  But you don’t say fag about my dads!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe took a step closer, mimicking Marley’s speech.  “You tan say gay or you tan say homosexual…” She laughed and stuck her tongue out.  “Mar-wee’s a baby and her daddies are FAGGOTS!” Chloe sang, and Ashley giggled.  Noah stood near Marley, brows furrowed, looking between the girls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You stop that!” Marley yelled one more time.  “You’re bein’ a bully!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe got close to her face and whined, “Marwee the bay-bee doesn’t WIKE it!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley didn’t remember how it happened.  Her face was hot and her tummy was in a big knot and the next thing she knew, her hand hit Chloe’s face, hard, and Chloe fell to the ground.  She clutched her face, eyes wide, and gasped, “You HIT me!”  Chloe suddenly jumped up, holding her face, and ran across the playground, calling for her teacher.  “Mrs. Reynolds!  Mrs. Reynolds!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley turned around and saw Noah staring at her wide-eyed.  “You shouldn’t have done that, Marley,” he said, shaking his head.  “You could get kicked out of school!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ashley was staring at her too, as though she were scared, and Marley didn’t know what to do. So she did the only thing she could think of--she went where she felt the safest.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She went home.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Hi Papi,” she said, putting her sandwich down.  “I gotted into a fight and since they tick you out if you fight, I quitted and tame home.  I tan take school on the tomputer.”  Seeing his shocked expression, she suddenly looked less sure of herself.  “I’m sorry, Papi.  I tried hard but I don’t think I’m s’posed to be in tindergarten.”</p><p>*****</p><p>Five-year old Marlene decides the solution to her problem is to quit her school and take "computer school" instead.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello and thanks for reading!</p><p>We'll be picking up with Rafael again in the next chapter, I think.  It's coming, but first, they have to resolve this more immediate issue--their five-year old dropout.</p><p>Thanks for reading!  Comments and kudos are gold, and I so appreciate them!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You know, just because I used to be your coworker doesn’t mean I don’t need the required evidence NOW,” Sonny snapped at the squad, grabbing his attache and heading back to One Hogan Place.  He had just stepped off the elevator on his office floor when his phone rang.  Figuring it was Liv calling to continue their conversation from the precinct, he snapped, “Yes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this Dominick Barba-Carisi?  This is Rockwood Academy, your daughter Marlene’s school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mind did a quick switch from work to home.  Was Marley sick?  Why would they be calling?  “Yes, this is he.  Is everything all right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly.  Mr. Barba-Carisi, this is Kate Whitford...I’m the director here at Rockwood. I think you and I may have met a couple of times.  I’m calling to let you know that it appears that Marlene may have left school grounds.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?!?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” he gasped loudly.  “How is that even possible?  Did somebody take her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no...we don’t think so.  Apparently she was involved in a playground argument with another child.  Marlene got upset, hit the other child, and ran away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s not possible,” Sonny said, his mind completely blown.  “Marlene knows to NEVER leave school without an adult…”  His other line began beeping, and on the off chance it was her, he said, “Could you hold on a sec?”  He flipped to the second line.  “Sonny Carisi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Daddy.”  It was Marley, and it sounded like she was eating or drinking...something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marlene?!?  Thank God!  Where are you, baby?  I’ve been so worried!”  He knew his colleagues must be thinking he’s nuts, but quite frankly, he didn’t care.  Marlene was okay, and that’s all that mattered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He heard her smack and swallow.  “I’m at home.  Papi isn’t here wight now though so Mr. Dan at the front desk wetted me in.  I’m makin’ my wunch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey,” he said, as calmly as he could, “you’re supposed to be at school.  You can’t just come home.  That’s not allowed, and people get very worried about you.”  He suddenly remembered the school was on the other line.  “Shit.  Listen, I’m going to come home right away until Papi gets there so you’re not alone, and we’ll talk then, okay?  Don’t let anyone in until I get there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, Daddy.  Don’t worry, I’ll be safe.  Oh, do you know where Papi is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he’s at therapy...I have to go.  I’ll see you soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Otay, Daddy.  I wove you.  Bye!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He switched the line back over.  “Hello? Ms. Whitford?  This is Sonny Carisi...I’m sorry you were waiting so long.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m guessing that was your daughter?” she asked, and he could tell she was annoyed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it was.  She’s at home, safe.  I am getting ready to leave work and I will definitely talk with her about whatever happened--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Barba-Carisi, before you go, I just need to let you know what Marlene’s consequences at school will be.  She chose to strike another child and to leave the school grounds.  First and foremost, I’m giving her a two-day suspension for leaving school grounds.  Once she comes back, we will have a meeting involving her and the other child to determine what we feel is appropriate regarding the fight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fight,” he repeated suddenly, “You said she was in a fight...except Marley doesn’t fight.  She’s not a hitter.  Something must have happened if she hit someone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you talk with Marley and give me a call tomorrow?  I will talk with the other child and any witnesses, and we’ll see if we can figure this out.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny sighed.  “Okay.  I’ll do that.  Thank you for the phone call.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael entered the apartment, singing “Somebody to Love” to himself with his earphones in.  He put down the mail, tapping his toe against the floor in rhythm until he turned his head and saw his five-year old daughter looking back at him, eating a sandwich at the table.  He grabbed his chest, about to have a heart attack, before catching his breath and ripping the earphones from his head.  “Why are you here?” he asked, green eyes huge and staring at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Papi,” she said, putting her sandwich down.  “I gotted into a fight and since they tick you out if you fight, I quitted and tame home.  I tan take school on the tomputer.”  Seeing his shocked expression, she suddenly looked less sure of herself.  “I’m sorry, Papi.  I tried hard but I don’t think I’m s’posed to be in tindergarten.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael sank into a chair just as the front door opened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s Daddy,” she explained.  “I talled him, tause when I got home you weren’t here, an’ I wanted to be safe and wesponsible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny stepped into the kitchen, and he and Rafael both stared at each other.  “Hey baby,” Sonny greeted him, sitting into the chair next to Rafael’s.  “If you’re very confused, so am I.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shook his head.  “The best I understand is we have a kindergarten dropout because of a fight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh good!” Sonny said.  “Sounds like we both are at about the same level of cluelessness!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both turned to Marlene.  “Okay baby,” Sonny said, “why don’t you start at the beginning and tell us how you ended up at home when you know the rule is that you stay at school?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley nodded, looking back and forth.  “Otay, but I want you guys to wemember something very, very important, otay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” Rafael asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pointed to each of them.  “It’s that I wove you both very, very much, otay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Sonny responded.  “Go ahead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We was at wecess.  And Noah an’ his friends tame over, and Noah asked if I tan please ask to stay somewhere else on date night.  Tause I peed the sofa and Aunt Wivvy missed dance practice to twean it up.  And then this girl I don’t know talled me a baby tause I had an accident, and she made fun of how I talk, and…” Marley stopped talking and looked at them.  Hesitantly, she said, “An that’s it.  She said mean stuff and I told her to stop and she didn’t.  And I didn’t mean to, guys, but I hitted her with my hand on her face.  Hard.  She fell down.  And she got up and went to tell a teacher.  And Noah said I tan get ticked outta stool for hitting, so I quitted.  I know I’m s’posed to wait but I didn’t want to.”  She glanced from one to the other and then said, “I just wanted to be home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny sighed.  “Honey, you can’t hit somebody just because they say something you don’t like.”  His phone began buzzing.  “I have to take this…” He stood and went into the other room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Papi,” Marley said again.  “But I promise I’ll do weal good at tomputer stool.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marlene,” Rafael said, raising one eyebrow, “I don’t like it when you don’t tell me the whole truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyes grew large.  “But I did, Papi!  The whole thing!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He locked eyes with her, refusing to look away, until she finally looked down.  “Otay, fine.  She was weally mean.  She was makin’ fun of me, tallin me a baby.  She said I wore a diaper and I talk wike a baby.  And then Ashley told her you and Daddy were gay...an’ she talled you fags.”  She put her head down on her arms, hiding her eyes.  “She was yellin’ that I was a baby and my dads were faggots.”  Suddenly she sat up again, eyes tearful but voice stubborn.  “I telled her, Papi!  I telled her that was an ugly word and it’s NOT otay!  An she tan say gay or she tan say homosexual, but she tan’t say faggot!  I tried!  But she didn’t wisten to me.”  She sighed heavily.  “She got so weally in my face that I tould smell her breath.  And her breath stinked but I didn’t even say that ‘tause I was tryin’ to be nice.  And I told her again to stop and she wouldn’t, so yeah, I slapped her good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael had never been as unsure of what to do as a father than he was in that moment.  He was as proud of her as he’d ever been, and he completely understood why she wanted to give up and quit.  Hell, he was an adult and wouldn’t want to put up with that shit.  “Where was Noah?” he asked suddenly, curious as to what the older boy had done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” she asked, rubbing her nose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Noah,” he repeated, handing her a tissue.  “You said he was there with you...what did he do?  Did he help you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head.  “Uh-uh.  He just stood there and watched.  Maybe Aunt Wivvy didn’t tell him what to do about bullies, Papi, tause he wooked a wittle nervous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael was puzzled.  “Wait a minute, honey.  So his friends were picking on you and he didn’t stop them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shrugged.  “He tried, I think.  He telled that one girl she was bein’ a wittle mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m surprised he didn’t say more,” Rafael mused.  “I guess I thought Noah would speak up more.  And he heard the little girl call us fags?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley nodded.  “Uh-huh.  He sure did.  But sometimes Noah tan be a wittle mean too...but don’t tell Aunt Wivvy I said so, otay?  She woves him.”  She took a sip of her drink, then said, “Is it otay if I eat my wunch now?  My belly’s weally empty, and I don’t wanna talk about this so much anymore.  Do you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled.  “No, I don’t think I want to talk about it right now either.  Lunch sounds like a good idea.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Noah, mean?  He’d never expected that.  He’d also never expected Noah to sit around and do nothing while his little girl was being bullied...or to excuse anyone calling he or Sonny fags.  Liv would be so upset, he thought, unsure of what to do.  He made a mental note to discuss it further with both Marley and Sonny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she took a bite of her sandwich, he stopped and stroked Marley’s hair.  “Princesa, I’m proud of you.  Not that you hit someone, but that you stood up for what was right, and you stood up for yourself.  It’s not okay for people to bully you, no matter who they’re friends with.”  He kissed her head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So,” Sonny said, as Marley got in bed for the evening, “I talked with your principal.  I also talked with Mrs. Cortez, who was very worried about you when you left the playground.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Daddy,” she said, frowning.  “I didn’t think about that Mrs. Cortez might be worried.  I was just thinkin’ that I quitted.”  Marley was very fond of her new teacher, and it was clear that the idea of Mrs. Cortez being upset bothered her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, that’s another thing,” Sonny continued.  “You can’t just quit.  It doesn’t work that way.  Going to school is your job until you’re eighteen years old.  You don’t get to decide that you’re not going to do it anymore.  Papi and I decide that, and we have decided that you are absolutely going to school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But...but...I tan go to tomputer stool, wight?” Marley asked, alarmed.  “Wots of tids take stool on their tomputers now!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But not YOU,” Sonny clarified.  “Papi and I want YOU to go to Rockwood Academy, where you are, with Mrs. Cortez and the other kindergarteners.  You are not getting kicked out, but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>have </span>
  </em>
  <span>been suspended for leaving the school without permission.  You have to stay home tomorrow and Friday, and you can go back on Monday.  When you go back, your principal says there is going to be a meeting with you and Chloe and her, to decide if there should be consequences for your fight on the playground.”  He tilted his head.  “So I guess it’s possible you might be suspended for that, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She crossed her arms and frowned again.  “I don’t even know what ‘spended IS!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed.  Sometimes it was easy to forget he was talking to a little kid.  “Suspended means you’re not allowed to go to school--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wike kicked out?” she asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kind of.  Suspended means you’re not allowed to go back for a certain number of days.  For you, for leaving without permission, it’s two days.  If a person is kicked out for good, that’s called being expelled.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you tan tell them to go ahead and spell me tause I don’t wanna go to that mean stool ever again!”  She sat down on her bed hard, making the mattress bounce.  “I’m not goin’ to some mean stool where they make fun of tids and tall good daddies ‘faggot’.  No, Daddy!  I am puttin’ my foot down!”  She stomped her foot on the floor, accidentally stepping on a lego.  They looked at each other, and he could see her trying desperately to keep a firm, strong expression, but after a few seconds, she grabbed her foot.  “Ow,” she whined, rubbing the bottom of her foot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled lightly.  “You okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she laughed a little.  “That hurted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ruffled her hair.  “Yeah, legos do hurt.  You’ll be home with Papi all tomorrow, so you can spend some time picking up the legos on your floor, so that doesn’t happen again.”  He watched her smile fade to a grumpy frown, then he leaned over and kissed her forehead.  “I love you, Marlene.  And I appreciate that you stood up for me and Papi, but we don’t hit people...and I don’t EVER want you to leave somewhere by yourself like that again.  It scares me to even think about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grabbed Knuffle Bunny as he flipped off the light.  “Papi said he’s proud of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not for leaving school.” Sonny stepped into the hall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not for that, but for other stuff,” she argued.  “Papi’s proud of me all the time tause I’m a good girl!”  He heard her voice get quieter, mumbling something about him being a “bossy boss-man, just tause now you go to tourt.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He bit his lip and went down the hall to the master bedroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You told her you’re proud of her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I did!” Rafael yanked his tee on, getting ready for bed.  “I mean, damn!  She’s five years old and telling the school bully not to call us fags!  She’s got the biggest balls in the school, Sonny, and yeah, I’m proud!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny shook his head, tossing his dirty clothes in the hamper.  “First, you don’t know if it’s the school bully...it could be just a bully in training.  Second, it’s going to her head...she was bragging about how YOU are so proud of her, and I just think I’m the boss because now I get to go to court.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael burst into laughter.  “What’d she call you?  I know she called you something.  I can see it on your face.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny narrowed his eyes.  “That has nothing to do with anything--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right...come on, spit it out--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny sniffed.  “Bossy boss-man.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael practically cackled, collapsing onto his back on the bed.  “Bossy boss-man,” he repeated, laughing so hard that tears filled his eyes.  “Well, if the shoe fits!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up,” Sonny told him, annoyed.  “You might want to make sure she understands that tomorrow and Friday, you’re her prison warden, because right now she thinks you’re her bestie and you two are signing her up for ‘puter stool!”  He mimicked the last couple of words to sound very much like Marlene.  “Seriously, Rafi, I’m not crazy that she has the idea she can just run away when things get rough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael sighed.  “Or...or she thinks that when people are being abusive, you shouldn’t have to stick around for that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny collapsed on his back next to him.  “Dammit.  Sometimes I hate you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I WAS the original bossy boss-man.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what do we do?  Enroll her in virtual school?  Tell her she’s gotta deal with these jerks?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael rolled over and rested his head on his hand, elbow on his pillow.  “I think we advocate for her, the way we always have.  Yeah, she’s got to learn the world is unfair and sometimes you can’t just quit the game.  But I also think she needs to know that we support her.  I don’t know, Sonny.  I don’t have any easy answers.  She’s only five and it’s gonna get more complicated, I think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny kissed him.  “I have to talk to the principal tomorrow about this whole thing...share Marley’s side.  Any suggestions?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d just share the whole of what she told us, what we’ve talked about with her, and her concerns about going back to school...because honestly, Sonny, they’re legitimate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny traced the veins in his husband’s hand, a habit he developed when they were dating.  “She called it the mean school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well…”  Rafael paused.  “We’ve got another problem too...or I do...I have the nagging feeling that some of this started when she spent the night at Noah’s.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You heard that too, huh?  About her wetting the bed?” Sonny asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, more than that,” Rafael told him. “The kid who bullied her knew all about it, and they knew we were gay.  Marley told me today that Noah can be mean.  I let it go because she’d already told us a lot, but I’ve got the sneaking suspicion that our friend Noah may have had something to do with our daughter’s concern that she isn’t wanted here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh God,” Sonny moaned, “Liv is gonna be SO upset.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I agree,” Sonny told him, “Liv is a YOU problem.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael snorted.  “Somehow I didn’t think you would fight me on it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled.  “So I’ll handle the school and you’ll handle Liv...when you feel ready...and will you do me a favor tomorrow, Warden?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Depends.  What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s got legos on her floor and stepped on one.  I told her she could spend some time picking them up over the next couple of days.  Also, her teacher, Mrs. Cortez, was super worried, so--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got it,” Rafael told him, then kissed his nose.  “I have to be at Mami’s tomorrow around six.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny nodded.  “Got it.  Don’t fight too much with her, because I really want to have a date night this week...I’ve been horny for two days already.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael reached between them.  “Huh.  Well.  Maybe we should move on this before Friday, no?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny shrugged.  “Well, you were the original bossy boss-man…”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“I was terrified for you,” she said quietly now.  “You were in danger.  Do you even know the things they told us then, about gays?  How they were all degenerates?  They were responsible for all the child molestations, the sex crimes?  That they had dozens of partners each, if not more?  You were my son.  I didn’t want those things for you--any of them.”</p><p>He crossed his arms.  “And did I prove them to be right?”</p><p>“Of course not!” she snapped.  “But I was afraid, and it was nearly thirty years ago!  Homosexuality wasn’t as accepted then, and the things people said...  You were fifteen.  Still my baby.  That’s what you don’t understand, and maybe you’ll never understand, Rafael.  You are still my baby.”  She wiped her eyes once more.  “You’ll always be my baby, mijo.”</p><p>*****<br/>Rafael and Lucia begin to talk truth.</p><p>TW--homophobia, homophobic language</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi and thanks for reading.</p><p>This chapter talks quite a bit about the attitudes and beliefs during the AIDS crisis of the 1980s.  If that was before your time, what Lucia is describing was common to hear not only among people but in magazines, papers, and TV.  There were so many unanswered questions about what AIDS was, and then how it spread.  For awhile, all we seemed to know was that it was a virus that was a death sentence, and gay men spread it.  People speculated how long it stayed on door handles and on toilet seats.  And then there were the attacks on the "gay lifestyle"--gay men were frequently assumed to be unable to have monogomous, loving relationships.  They were accused of being child molesters and having no morals.  It was a horrific time for them.  I can imagine that it would be terrifying for a mother of a teenage boy confessing his bisexuality.  Her fear for what could happen to him would probably be very, very high.  </p><p>Kudos and comments are gold to me, and you'll see I answer all of them.  Thanks and I hope you enjoy this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The kindest thing to do at this point would be to let him go.”  Dr. McGabe made eye contact with him this time, and this time Rafael looked away.  “I know this is hard.  I’ve spoken with your mother many times, and she says she can’t decide.  But your father isn’t coming back, Mr. Barba.  His body is starting to cave to infections...bronchitis, bed sores, blood clots.  He will eventually die this way, but it’s more humane to unplug the machine and let him go now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s not what they had taught him in church, when he had worshipped and studied the scriptures and learned all life is precious. God is life; He exists in all that is living.  You haven’t stepped in a church in over six years, he reminded himself, then shook it off.  He needed to talk with her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He made his way home, along the streets he used to haunt regularly.  It looked different now that he was usually in Boston.  They were trying to clean it up, he’d heard,   He doubted it was possible.  There was too much pain here, too much need.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He entered the apartment and immediately saw her shoes and purse by the door.  It was quiet downstairs, so he ran up the stairs to her bedroom, giving a courtesy knock before opening it.  “Mami, we need to--” he began, but immediately froze upon seeing his father’s best friend, Luis.  He was naked, pumping on top of his mother, and he felt the bile rise in the back of his throat.  He immediately closed the door, ignoring her calls for him, and ran back down the stairs and outside.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nieto!”  Abuelita greeted him warmly, and an hour later he was fed and had a place to stay. He stayed with her the rest of that summer, until his father died and it was time to return to Harvard.  They never mentioned it, never talked about it, and when Rafael came home from then on, he stayed in the extra room at Abuelita’s.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She opened the door, an awkward smile on her face.  “Mijo,” she greeted, “I’m so glad you’re here.  Please, come in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He settled himself on her couch, as she offered him a drink.  “Water is fine,” he reassured her, then took one of the bottles she brought out.  She sat in a chair catacorner from him, still smiling awkwardly, so he asked, “How’s your week been?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, you know,” she responded, waving a hand in the air.  “Same as usual.  Always gets a little squirrelly when it’s cold and wet and the kids can’t get outside, but I suppose you probably know about that now, too.”  She took a drink of water.  “Speaking of which, how is mi querida?  Is she liking kindergarten?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Unsure of how much he wanted to share on that topic, he half smiled.  “I think she’s doing okay.  She’s had a run-in with an older child, just being rude, but I think she’s handling it well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucia raised an eyebrow.  “Please tell me you’re not directing that child to hit other children.  There’s so many zero-tolerance policies now, she’ll end up suspended for that alone, even if she’s in the right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Great, he thought.  Prison Warden next week, too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled lightly.  “I see your view has changed since I was a kid...back then I was supposed to beat the crap out of anyone who looked at me wrong.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never said that,” she corrected him.  “That was your father.  He just didn’t want you to be a victim, is all.  He figured if people were afraid to mess with you, then it wouldn’t be an issue.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, was that the genius of his reasoning?”  The compulsion to be sarcastic was strong, and Rafael felt himself giving in.  “Following his advice, I would’ve spent half of my childhood in the hospital...you know, instead of just being bandaged up and half functional.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can be so melodramatic,” she told him sharply.  “I’m well aware you had challenges, and that I wasn’t the best mother.  But I tried, Rafi.  You seem to think I took enjoyment from your struggles with your father--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not just my father,” he fumed, “You.  You always try to bring it back to Miguel and blame him, but Papi wasn’t the one who chose over and over for us to stay with him.  You covered for him when he hurt either one of us, you made excuses about his behavior.”  His stomach was tight, and he was breathing heavier as his face turned red.  “For years, Mami, for years I told myself you didn’t have any choices, but it’s just not true.  The truth is that you hurt me. The truth is, you chose you over me for my entire childhood!   I was hurt over and over again, in ways I would never imagine hurting Marlene.  If I did any of those things to Marlene, somebody would call the state and have her taken away from me, and I would deserve it!  I would want them to, to protect her!”  His voice was getting louder and higher pitched.  “And if Sonny did those things and I made excuses for him?  I would expect someone to do the same thing!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was sitting straight, rigid, staring at him as he spoke.  “Go ahead, mijo,” she said then.  “Clearly, you’ve been holding back for years.  Get it all out.  Let me know how lousy I was as your mama!  How I didn’t deserve you...we both know it’s true.  Go ahead and let me know!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head.  “This is why we’ll never solve this.  We can never get through it.  You can’t hear it and I can’t say it.  Do you think I actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>enjoy </span>
  </em>
  <span>saying these things to you?  That I like remembering them?  I hate every second of it, Mami!  It’s easier to just put a fake smile on around you and keep you at a distance...let you see Marley once a month for a few hours, visit you on holidays, and pretend everything is wonderful!  I don’t want to live that way...I want to live in a way that we can love and appreciate each other for who we really are…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you love me, mijo?” she asked suddenly.  “Did you ever?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I love you,” he responded bitterly.  “I’ve always loved you, Mami...I just wish you loved me, for who I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do love you for who you are!” she cried.  “I accept everything about you--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You found it disgusting when I told you I was bisexual,” he said sharply, and Lucia was suddenly silent.  For a moment, neither of them said anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They had gotten back from the doctor, and Lucia was tucking Rafael into bed.  She’d given him his medicine and knew her boy was tired.  He’d eaten a bit of soup and crackers, and the doctor said his stomach should be fine by the morning.  Miguel was downstairs, drunk, in his recliner.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Better now?” she asked, and he sleepily smiled at her, then rubbed his eyes and nodded.  She sat down on the edge of his bed.  “I’m sorry your papi did that, mijo.  And I know he’s sorry too--”  Rafael turned his face away from her.  She hesitated, then continued.  “Mijo, you know you can’t play with boys like that here...you’re fifteen.  You should have a girlfriend now...are there any cute girls at school you like, huh?  You could bring one over for dinner, if you’d like.  I’ll make arroz con pollo (rice with chicken)...”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He turned to face her, and she could see his determination, but there was something else there...was it vulnerability?  Trust?  “Mami...I wasn’t playing with a boy.  I like Evan.  I did those things because I like him.  Yeah, I like some girls too, but not as many and not as much as I liked Evan.  Not that he’ll ever like me again, now.”  Rafael looked down, then wiped a stray tear.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lucia pulled back from her son.  He couldn’t possibly be telling her the truth, could he?  What kind of life was he destined to?  He suddenly looked up at her and she tried to alter her expression quickly, but it was too late.  She knew he had seen it--her disgust at a lifestyle she’d been taught encouraged everything from promiscuity to pedophilia--and there was no way to take it back now.  “Rafi, listen to your mami, now.  You are young and you don’t know what you’re saying.  Those people are immoral.  They’re loose and have sex wth anyone.  They don’t get married and have families, they’re not like us---”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mami,” he said quietly but firmly, “I’m like them.  I like boys and I like girls.  If you don’t love me because of that, I’ll try to understand and find somewhere else to go.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was terrified for you,” she said quietly now.  “You were in danger.  Do you even know the things they told us then, about gays?  How they were all degenerates?  They were responsible for all the child molestations, the sex crimes?  That they had dozens of partners each, if not more?  You were my son.  I didn’t want those things for you--any of them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He crossed his arms.  “And did I prove them to be right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course not!” she snapped.  “But I was afraid, and it was nearly thirty years ago!  Homosexuality wasn’t as accepted then, and the things people said...  You were fifteen.  Still my baby.  That’s what you don’t understand, and maybe you’ll never understand, Rafael.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>You are still my baby.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>  She wiped her eyes once more.  “You’ll always be my baby, mijo.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their eyes met and they sat still, staring at each other for a few moments.  “I love you, Mami,” he said quietly.  “And you’ll always be mi madre. (my mother)  I just don’t want to feel resentful every time we’re together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You feel resentful?” she asked, and the sadness in her voice was unmistakeable.  “Every time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked down at his water bottle.  “Yeah.  A lot.  I think it’s just more in the forefront now because I’ve got a kid, and I see you regularly, and I think a lot about how to be the best father I can.  And that brings up a lot of feelings about what I missed as a child, and what I wish you would have been able to do for both of us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So where do we go from here, mijo?”  He could read the anxiety in her face and in her question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.  “But I think we need to keep talking.  Maybe we’ll learn stuff as we go.  Like I’m trying to imagine how conflicted you must have felt in 1985, when your teenaged son told you he was attracted to men, with all of the misinformation out there about homosexuality and AIDS.  I hadn’t really thought about that before...I’d been more stuck on how I felt.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was nodding vigorously.  “I agree,” she said firmly, “I think we need to keep talking about a lot of things.  And I’ll try to hear what you say to me, but I need you to hear what I say to you, Rafael.  I had my reasons, whether you are aware or agree or don’t.  I loved you, and I tried.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly, thinking of how much they had to work through and how overwhelming it sometimes felt.  But she loved him, and despite everything, had always stood by him.  “So,” he began, “tell me more about how little kids are supposed to deal with bullies in school, according to administrators…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See the tard I made for Mrs. Tortez?” Marley showed Sonny as she was getting ready for bed.  “Papi helped me with it.  He helped spell the words, but I wrote them all, Daddy!  I’m a good writin’ girl.”  She smiled, proud of her accomplishment, and he took the card from her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is very nice, Marlene,” he said, looking at the picture on the outside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s me and Mrs. Tortez.  She’s my favorite teacher, after Tallie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled.  “I see that.”  He opened the card and began to read.  “Dear Mrs. Cortez, I am so sorry that I scared you when I left school.  I know that was wrong and I won’t do that again.  I like your red hair.  Love always, Marlene Elizabeth Barba-Carisi.”  He was impressed.  “Wow, Marley, you even wrote your whole name.  That was quite a project!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it, Daddy!  My hand got so tired I had to take a break!  I think I writed more than a hundred wetters today.  But I didn’t tount ‘em...they just wook wike a wot of wetters.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They certainly do.  I bet Mrs. Cortez will appreciate that card on Monday, when you take it to her.”  He pulled back her blankets, and she climbed into her bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When’s Papi gonna be home?” she asked.  “I miss his stories.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, but he’s spending some time with Abby tonight, remember?  I’m not sure when he’ll be home.  Do you have a story you want to read, or did you just want to talk?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We tan talk,” she told him.  “I wike talkin’ to you.  Plus, you’re at work all day wong, and I miss you sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled.  “I miss you too sometimes, dolly.  I see you picked up your legos today, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded, smiling.  “Uh-huh!  Just wike you said to.  Papi weminded me, so I did it.”  She took his hand in hers and played with his fingers.  “I still don’t wanna go back to that mean stool, Daddy.  I just don’t want people tallin’ you guys ugly names.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet for a minute, contemplating.  “Honestly, Marley, I don’t want you to be around people who tease you or call anyone ugly names.  But sometimes, some people do those things.  I talked with your principal today and told her what you said happened.  Do you know what she told me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley shook her head no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She told me that Noah said Chloe was bullying you, and that you told her to stop several times, and when she didn’t stop, you slapped her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I said too, Daddy!” she exclaimed.  “Me an’ Noah both telled the truth!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded.  “The principal also told me to let you know she is very sorry those things were said to you, and next time you need to get a teacher when somebody is being ugly to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She mulled it over.  “Otay, Daddy.  I tan try.  But there’s only one teacher, and she was way atross the playground.  But I’ll try.  I do have fast wegs when it’s an emergency!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned at her.  “I know you do...I’ve seen you run at the park, when it isn’t an emergency, and you go super fast!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door suddenly opened and shut, and Marley grinned back at him.  “Hey Papi!” she yelled.  “Tome give your baby girl a big tissie goodnight!”  A minute later Rafael appeared, shrugging out of his puffer coat.  “Papi!  You made it home before I go to sweep!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did,” he said, kissing Sonny’s temple and then leaning in and hugging her tightly.  “Te amo, Marley Mae.  Papi loves you so, so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wove you too, Papi!  Tan you wead to me?  Me an’ Daddy didn’t wead, we just talked.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In place of reading,” Sonny clarified, shooting her a warning look.  “It’s time for you to go to sleep, my dear.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I just wike weadin’ with my papi,” she apologized.  “T’mon, Pru.  Wet’s go night night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pru hopped up on the bed as Sonny stood up.  Rafael and Sonny each gave her a kiss and a hug, and she snuggled her Knuffle Bunny.  “G’night, good daddies!  I wove you very much, you guys!  An’ so does Pru!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, silly goose,” Sonny teased, flipping her light out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pru says goodnight, Daddy ADA tourt man daddy!”  She was giggling at herself, and Sonny and Rafael looked at each other and smirked.  “Good night to the papi lawyer man papi who...who...who woves me!  Pru says goodnight, sillies!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stood in the hallway, smirking at each other and trying not to laugh, until her talking settled down to quiet mumbles to Pru.  “Pru, you’re so silly, funny girl.  You such a silly girl.  I wove you so much.  An’ Papi woves you too...an’ Daddy woves you…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They made their way back to the master bedroom, and Sonny locked the door behind them.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sonny tangled his fingers with Rafael’s.  “Can I make an observation?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“This sounds like it’s stuff you need to work out on your own.  Your mom’s apologized for her mistakes, right?”</p><p>Rafael’s brows furrowed.  “Yeah.”</p><p>Sonny nodded.  “And we both feel that she’s a good grandmother to Marlene...right?  And she’s been appropriate with you as an adult, right?”</p><p>“Well, since after my father died….yeah, I guess.  I don’t understand your point.”  Rafael looked confused, and Sonny squeezed his hand.</p><p>“Maybe you have to work this out for yourself in therapy.  What else is your mom supposed to do to fix it?  I mean, you don’t even know yourself what you want from her right now, do you?  Maybe the task is trying to figure that out for yourself...how to forgive her and move forward.  And if that’s it, then that’s work for you to do, babe.  Not her.  She can’t do anything until you’re able to tell her what you need.  Until then, you guys are just going to spin in circles, going over the same old stuff.”</p><p>*****</p><p>Sonny's as wise as he is beautiful.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!  Thanks for reading!</p><p>It's Friday night in the Barba-Carisi house, so you know what that means--it's date night!</p><p>I don't think I have any interesting tidbits to share here.  If you haven't read The Ups and Downs of Loving You, some of that may come into play in future chapters because Renata the therapist is coming back.  There is also a scene in this chapter where Marley and Rafael are playing and she gets a little scared.  If you haven't read Bound, she and Rafael were traumatized in that story, and that's what is referenced.</p><p>Your comments are so awesome.  I love being able to chat about these stories and characters!  Thanks for leaving your thoughts!  (I love kudos too!  They let me know I don't suck!!!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s all packed and weady for Abby!” Marlene announced, pointing to her duffel bag.  “I’m all weady, Papi!  What time’s she gonna be here?  Soon, wight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, soon,” Rafael told her, sipping some coffee and trying to read over a brief.  “Look, Marley, remember, I need you to play for just a little bit longer while I finish my reading for work--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sighed.  “I wemember.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He heard her go into her room a minute later, and he quickly got lost in his reading once again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Knuffle...hey knuffle bunny...whatchoo think that papi is doin’ over there?” he heard from the hallway, a few feet away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think he may be weading, Miss Pru,” a lower voice responded, and he tried to block it out to finish the last two paragraphs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wooks very boring.  It does not even have any pictures!” the high-pitched voice said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” returned the lower voice, “it don’t got a picture on the front.  You know it’s boring then.  Why you think he’s weading it?  He should be playin’ with his wittle girl, Marwee Mae.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Enough already, he thought, and quietly took a chance she wasn’t watching him.  He made his way to the sink and grabbed the squirt bottle of water they used to mist the plants.  He adjusted the sprayer to direct it better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, wight?” the high pitched Pru answered.  “We play with her every day and she’s so much fun!  Too bad Papi misses all the fun with his wittle girl…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made his way to the corner of the hallway.  He should be able to reach her as soon as he turned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Poor Marwee,” Knuffle Bunny said, long and low, “She’s the best wittle girl ever--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“AHA!” He jumped from behind the wall, aiming the squirter at her, and the water immediately hit her.  She squealed at the top of her lungs and threw Knuffle Bunny in the air, then ran to her room.  Immediately, his only regret was that he hadn’t filmed it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“PRU!”  she squealed, “Wun for cover, Pru!  Watch out!  There’s a nutty papi on the woose!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pretended to cackle like a nut.  “WHERE...MY...MARLEY?” he said in a deep, slow monster voice.  “WHERE...SHE...GO?  MUST….GIVE...MARLEY….KISSES…”  He sprayed the squirt bottle again, just so she might see the water, and he heard her burst into giggles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rounded the corner to her room.  He could see her under the bed, watching him, giggling with her fingers in her mouth.  “MUST...GIVE...KISSES…” he announced again in the monster voice, and she giggled loudly, but this time he could hear the slight bit of hysteria in it, and his gut told him to rethink this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was still giggling, fingers in her mouth, but she held her other hand out.  “Stop, Papi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He put the squirt bottle down.  “Okay.  No more monster, just Papi.  You okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded and climbed out from under the bed.  “That was funny,” she giggled, but her fingers were still in her mouth.  “Papi, you hold me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, mija,” he said, sitting on the floor.  He pulled her into his lap and kissed her forehead.  “It’s okay, sweetheart.  It’s safe here.  We were playing, huh?  We had fun!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She giggled.  “Uh-huh.  I wike havin’ fun with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like it too.”  He thought about how far she’d come in the last few months, from being terrified of the dark or being alone, to wanting to play like this now.  They’d all recovered quite a bit from this past summer, thank God.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A knock on the door diverted their attention.  “I bet it’s Abby!” Marley said, jumping up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet it is,” Rafael agreed, standing a bit slower than his daughter, then following her to the front of the apartment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God yes, please,” Rafael gasped as Sonny bobbed up and down on his cock quickly, fist twisting around the lower part of his shaft near the base.  Rafael’s hand was tangled in Sonny’s hair, and his hips instinctively thrust upward in rhythm with Sonny’s sucking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d needed this, not only the release, but the connection.  The love.  The knowledge in his soul that Sonny loved and accepted every bit of who he was.  And that Sonny took great pride in pleasuring him.  He knew Sonny would do anything he asked of him, without exception...but he would never ask anything of Sonny that would make him uncomfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny was rolling his balls slowly and gently as Rafael continued to thrust into his mouth.  The pleasure tickled him at the base of his spine, forward into his groin, shooting flames upward every few seconds. Rafael opened his eyes and looked down at his husband, whose mouth was full of him; he was moving up and down quickly as he sucked, eyes closed, and looking as though he were in heaven himself.  As though he enjoyed this even more than Rafael did.  He thought of the old clit in the throat joke from Deep Throat, and laughed giddily, then sighed.  “I love you,” he murmured.  “It feels so good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny pulled off, then sucked a soft bruise on Rafael’s inner thigh.  “Want you to feel good, baby,” he returned.  “Hey...hand me a lube and I’ll finger you while I blow you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael opened the drawer and pulled out the lube he found in there.  “We’ve got to remember to put this back,” he said, tossing it to Sonny.  “Remember what happened the last time the kid found it?  I’m sure Pru would be happy to remind you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, funny,” Sonny scoffed, pouring some lube on his fingers.  “I remember.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael flat out giggled.  “She looked like you when you first started SVU and slicked your hair back.  All she was missing was the fuzzy caterpillar on her upper lip.”  His giggles turned to shrieks when Sonny reached over and tickled his abdomen.  “Stop!  Stop!” he shrieked, laughing hysterically.  Sonny stopped and Rafael gasped for breath.  “Jesus, Sonny!  The neighbors are gonna complain and I haven’t even gotten to come yet…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, how disappointing,” Sonny teased now, chuckling himself, as he slid a finger into his husband’s ass.  He heard Rafael hiss, then exhale and push back against him.  “Feel good?” he asked, circling inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm...yes,” Rafael responded, and Sonny slowly penetrated him again with a second finger.  “So good, Soleado...Sonny.  You love me.  Thank you for loving me,” he sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny licked from the base to the tip, then licked the slit.  “I do love you, papi.  Just paying you back for that amazing blow you gave me at the dinner table.  I always appreciate when you’re so horny for me, like tonight.  And now I’m gonna stop talking and finish the task at hand.”  He easily swallowed the majority of Rafael’s cock in one swift motion as he continued to scissor and pump his fingers into his husband’s ass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael happily gave himself over to the pleasure of being serviced by his husband, rocking between Sonny’s mouth and his hand.  “Always calling me the cockslut,” he moaned, “but look at you go after it...we both know you love it...probably the reason you married me, to get this cock whenever you wanted it.”  There was a particularly hard suck then, and the fingers in him circled, stretching him.   “Oh yeah, if you’re gonna fuck this ass in the morning, might as well stretch me out tonight,” he laughed breathlessly, pushing back against Sonny’s fingers.  “So good, Soleado...so fucking good...I wanna come.  Gonna come down your throat, wanna come on your face, see you covered with it.  Damn.”  The steady creak of the bed became the only sound as Rafael got lost in Sonny’s efforts, until at last he tugged Sonny’s hair and groaned heavily, “I’m gonna come...God don’t stop, don’t stop…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Sonny didn’t, until he was rewarded with thick spurts of semen down his throat and filling his mouth.  Rafael was moaning, body tight and arched, and Sonny pulled off in time to watch him shoot one last shot of jism in the air, onto his belly.  Sonny grinned to himself and swallowed, then gently stroked Rafael’s stomach with his palms, careful to avoid the semen where it landed.  He was enamored with so many aspects of his husband’s body--arms, hands, thighs, ass, chest, cock--but his stomach was incredibly hot as well.  Rafael would turn beet-red and refuse to discuss it whenever Sonny brought it up; he found his stomach to be embarrassingly flabby and heavy.  But Sonny found it hot as hell, and now he leaned forward and licked the last bit of cum off the soft skin there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael watched him with sleepy eyes and a lazy smile.  “You happy now?” he finally asked when Sonny finished.  “You got to lick my gut.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny lay both palms on Rafael’s stomach and stroked it.  “It’s beautiful.  Perfection.  It should be illegal for you to wear clothes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael snorted.  “Trying to make the populace gouge their eyes out with forks, eh?”  He ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair.  “I love you, Sonny.  You make me happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny grinned at him, then slid up the bed next to him.  “So I guess you didn’t make Lucia cry too badly the other night, since she took our daughter for the night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes.  “No, it wasn’t about that.  I don’t know what to do, Sonny.  It’s like we both want to be closer, to accept one another, but we just can’t seem to get there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, what do you think are the roadblocks for you?” Sonny asked, playing with Rafael’s hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet for a minute.  “Feeling like she never protected me from Papi.  I feel like she put herself ahead of me, even when the cost to me was huge.  I’m angry about that stuff, Sonny.  I’m pissed that while I was trying to figure out what to do with the bastard as he lay dying in the hospital, she was at home screwing his best friend.  I’m pissed that while I was lying in the floor of my bedroom with my ball half-busted, she was crying for herself and worried what the neighbors would think.  And I’m really, really angry that because of both of them, I thought I’d never be worthy of anyone’s love, and I wouldn’t know how to love back.  That I not only had the potential to harm a spouse or child, I was destined to do it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny tangled his fingers with Rafael’s.  “Can I make an observation?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This sounds like it’s stuff you need to work out on your own.  Your mom’s apologized for her mistakes, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael’s brows furrowed.  “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny nodded.  “And we both feel that she’s a good grandmother to Marlene...right?  And she’s been appropriate with you as an adult, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, since after my father died….yeah, I guess.  I don’t understand your point.”  Rafael looked confused, and Sonny squeezed his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you have to work this out for yourself in therapy.  What else is your mom supposed to do to fix it?  I mean, you don’t even know yourself what you want from her right now, do you?  Maybe the task is trying to figure that out for yourself...how to forgive her and move forward.  And if that’s it, then that’s work for you to do, babe.  Not her.  She can’t’ do anything until you’re able to tell her what you need.  Until then, you guys are just going to spin in circles, going over the same old stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael sighed.  “How’d you get so wise?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny laughed.  “It’s the sex.  Everything’s clearer after an orgasm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then my thinking should be clear as day right now,” Rafael snorted, then looked at his husband.  “I guess I’m going back to Renata.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny grinned, then kissed him on the nose.  “I guess you are.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy, is Papi gonna be here soon?” Marley asked, scooping a big bite of ice cream into her spoon.  It was their new weekly date after church, stopping at the local diner and ice cream shop, and Rafael had said he’d tried to meet them today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know...who’s that guy coming this way right now?” he asked, nodding toward the door, as Rafael made his way over to their table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Papi!”  Marlene exclaimed, jumping up to hug him.  “I’m so glad you’re here!  Maybe next time you tan wearn about Jesus with us!  It’s very fun, most of the time, and happy.  ‘Cept when Jesus dies, but that’s at Easter.  It’s only Tristmas time wight now, though.  So Jesus won’t die until...how wong, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny was grinning at Rafael, who was trying his best not to look annoyed.  “Well, dolly, it’s only November now, so Christmas isn’t for another month.  And then Easter will be in April this year, so four months after that…” Realizing that Rafael could very easily read a calendar himself, and was now smirking at him, he shook his head.  “We remember Jesus’ resurrection in the spring, dolly.  Right now it’s late fall, so we still have the rest of fall and winter, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Papi!  That’s it.”  She took another bite of her ice cream.  “Oh!  Excuse me!” she called to the server about to walk past, and the young man stopped.  Marley motioned to Rafael.  “My papi just gotted here, and he needs some ice tream...or maybe a drink, wight Papi?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both Sonny and Rafael looked awkwardly at the server, who was looking surprisedly at Marlene, before pulling a menu out of his apron.  “Here you are, sir...can I bring you anything right now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually, yes...I’d just like a cup of coffee and a scoop of rocky road.  Thanks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The server nodded, smiling, then glanced curiously at Marlene, who smiled at him.  “Thank you, waiter!” she told him, then giggled.  “Aren’t you glad I asked for you, Papi?  Now you don’t gotta wait too wong.”  She took yet another bite, and hummed.  “This is good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, kiddo,” he told her.  “And yes, when it gets closer to Jesus’ birthday, I will go to church with you and Daddy.  Probably on Christmas Eve, when we usually go with Grammy and Grampy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is your mom still going to Miami this year?” Sonny asked.  Lucia usually went to Miami every Christmas, but since Catalina died and Lucia semi-retired a few years ago, she’d been less consistent.  Last year she’d stayed in the city, and had gone with them to Staten Island to celebrate with the Carisis.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think so,” Rafael answered.  “She had mentioned a few months ago that she was buying a ticket for a seniors single cruise from Miami or to Miami or something.  I don’t know.  You know Mami, she enjoys getting out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s a seniors singles?” Marley asked as the server brought Rafael his coffee and ice cream.  He reached for Marley’s cup but she stopped him.  “Excuse me, waiter, I’m still wickin’ on that!”  He quickly pulled away and headed to another table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a trip where people who are Abby’s age and are not married can meet each other and spend time together.”  Rafael took a long sip of coffee and sighed in pleasure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s nice,” Marley said, running a finger along the inner rim of her cup, then licking it.  “Is her friend Mateo gonna go with her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael’s brow furrowed.  ‘Who’s Mateo?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Her friend, Papi.  From her stool, ‘member?  He works at her stool still and they’re good friends.”  Suddenly she giggled again.  “They’re tissin’ friends, but I think that’s secret.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael looked at Sonny, who shrugged, as if to say he had no idea, and then he turned his attention back to Marlene.  “No, I don’t know Mateo.  Do YOU know Mateo?  Have you met him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” she nodded.  “Just one or two or...or maybe three times, yeah.  When we go to her stool, sometimes he’s there.  He teaches some of the tids there.  He tomes over sometimes, but not when I’m there.  Abby thinks you might not wike it if she has her friends tome over when I’m there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, she’d be right about that,” he said under his breath, then tugged a braid.  “Stop licking your cup, mija.  It’s rude.  Wipe your hands off, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She frowned.  “Tan I have some more?  Or some of yours?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, you’ve had enough.  We’ll finish up in a couple of minutes...let me finish my coffee.  And tell me about Mateo.”  He raised his eyebrows at her, and took a sip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sighed.  “Well...he’s wike you, Papi, he’s a wittle short...and he’s got gray hair wike Daddy and his skin wooks wike yours an’ he’s got brown eyes wike Abby.  He wears a suit wike you guys an’ he tan talk Spanish super fast!”  She started to giggle at the memory.  “And he’s funny.  He always talls me Princesa Marwene.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Princesa, huh?” Rafael remarked, and Sonny laid his hand on top of his husband’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep!  And one time when I spended the night and Abby’s stool had a tarnival, we went and got pizza before we tame home!  And Mateo got me a Pepsi!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds fun, dolly,” Sonny told her.  “It’s so nice that Abby’s friends are kind to you.  I hope you remember to say thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do,” she assured Sonny.  “Papi, are you mad at me?  You wook a wittle mad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael suddenly realized he was scowling at the thought of his mother dating, and he changed his expression quickly.  “No, baby.  I’m not mad at all.  I just wish I knew more about what you do with Abby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna pay the ticket,” Sonny told him, then got up to pay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tan I go with you, Daddy?” Marley asked.  “I wanna help you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, honey.  Wipe your hands well, and then we can go.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael watched her wipe her hands and then take Sonny’s, skipping to the register.  He downed the rest of his coffee, wiped his face, and joined his family.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He laughed a little awkwardly, then said, “I’m here because of my mom.  I know we’ve talked about her before, and you’re aware of some of that...stuff.”  He shook his head.  “I guess over the last couple of years, in particular, it’s really been bothering me that our relationship isn’t better.  It didn’t used to bother me.  I used to just accept it for what it was, and it was fine.  But over the last couple of years, I don’t know…”  He paused, reflecting.  “Is it wrong to expect more?  To see other parent-child relationships and think, I want that?  Or to even see the relationship I’m building with my own daughter, and want my mom to build that with me?”  </p><p>*****<br/>Rafael begins to explore his feelings about Lucia in therapy, and Marley has an exciting moment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello and thanks for tuning in!</p><p>There is a flashback in this chapter, early on, where Rafael remembers being in the principal's office as a boy because they suspected abuse.  Please remember this was in the 1970s, and the laws were very different then.  Today, every teacher is what they call a "mandated reporter".  This means that if a teacher even SUSPECTS a child has been abused, they MUST report it to child protective services or the national child abuse hotline within 24 hours of the first suspicion.  If they fail to do that, they can be held criminally responsible.  I don't know for certain, but I would imagine there was a lot more freedom with reporting in the 70s.  The flashback doesn't reveal whether it was reported or not, and I'm not revealing it either.</p><p> Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated!  Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“If you have a seat, Dr. Whitford will be with you in a few minutes.”  The secretary motioned to the couches against the wall of the front office, so Rafael and Marlene headed over and took a seat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I gotta go back home?” Marlene whispered to him.  “Tan we stop and get a hot totoa?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” he told her firmly, then whispered, “and definitely not if you’re asking in the school office!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She frowned, then sat back, swinging her feet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael checked his watch nervously.  The last time he’d been in an elementary school principal’s office, he’d been terrified.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rafael, I need you to come with me,” Mr. Philips had directed him, and obediently, he had stood and followed the guidance counselor down the hall to the office.  Mr. Philips had always been nice to him.  He gave him the warm coat he was wearing now, the one he’d told Papi that he found abandoned on the playground.   He’d even slipped him change for lunch a handful of times when he didn’t have any.  But now he was leading him to the office, and everybody knew you only went to the office if you were in major trouble.  What had he done?  He and Alex and Eddie had snuck onto the playground last week at night.  Could it be that?  Or the last time Mr. Philips gave him lunch money, he’d saved it and bought candy on the way home.  Would he go to the principal’s office for that?  He didn’t know.  He did know, though, that if Mr. Philips called Papi and told him that Rafi took his money, Papi would beat him until he couldn’t sit down.  He’d done it before and he said he’d do it again.  Rafael believed him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come in, Rafael.”  Mr. Philips held the door open, and he slowly walked inside, watching Mr. Philips carefully.  Mrs. Santiago was there, at her desk.  She was the assistant principal.  All the older boys liked her because she was pretty.  They talked about her breasts when she wasn’t looking.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rafael, it’s okay, sit down.”  Mrs. Santiago motioned to one of the chairs across from her desk.  Rafael sank into it, and Mr. Philips sat next to him.  “Rafael, Mr. Philips has told me what a good student you are.  I have seen your grades and I can see that’s true.  We’re concerned about you.  Mr. Philips?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mr Philips turned to him.  “Rafael, I’ve noticed that some days you have scratches and bruises on you, and I was wondering how that happens.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rafael’s heart was beating out of his chest.  If Papi found out this conversation ever happened, he’d be in more trouble than he could imagine.  If Mami found out...well, he knew what would happen.  The social worker would come again and make him leave.  He couldn’t stay with Mami anymore.  They’d make him live somewhere else, probably in Miami with the cousins.  Abuelo and Abuelita were getting too old to take care of him.  “I just fall sometimes.  I like to climb on the playground and stuff, and sometimes I fall and scratch myself.  I’ll try to be more careful.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rafael, could you stand up, please?” Mrs. Santiago asked him.  “Stand up and turn around.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He looked from Mrs. Santiago to Mr. Philips and back.  “Why?  I’m okay...I’m fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please, Rafael?”  Mr. Philips asked him.  “It’s going to be okay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rafael stood up slowly and turned around, his face burning red.  He felt Mr. Philips pull up the back of his shirt slightly, and he closed his eyes.  He wanted to be anywhere but here.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Whitford’s door opened and a tall blonde woman in a suit stepped out, cell phone in her hand.  She turned to face Dr. Whitford.  “I’ve told you, Kate, I don’t have time for this.  What Chloe does at school is out of my control.  I’d suggest if she’s saying ugly things you wash her mouth out with soap.  That’s what my daddy did to me and it worked.  If you can’t do that, let me know and I’ll do it at home.  The other kid slapped the fool out of her this time, and she deserved it.  But I don’t have time to keep coming in for these meetings.  I had a multi million dollar client that I had to delay this morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sophia,” Dr. Whitford replied, still in the doorway, “I appreciate the time you’ve given up this morning for your daughter.  Please remember, though, that the contract for Chloe’s attendance at Rockwood requires your active involvement, particularly in discipline issues.  If Chloe is going to continue her education here, and we certainly would love for that to happen, then we need to see some improvement in her behavior around other children.  I will send you the names that we discussed--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sophia was already fiddling with her phone.  “Oh, the shrinks?  Fine.  Like I told you, we’ve tried it before, but I’ll get her in to see someone different.”  Tucking her phone in her purse, she turned and exited the office, as the principal and secretary shot each other knowing looks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Barba-Carisi,” Dr. Whitford said, sighing and motioning to them, “you and Marlene can come in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael took Marlene by the hand and they followed the principal into her office, then took seats across from her at her desk.  Marley was swinging her feet and watching her papi with large eyes, and Rafael hoped she wasn’t scared.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So,” Dr. Whitford began, “Marlene, I talked with your dad the other day and he told me what happened on the playground, but I’d like to hear it from you.  What happened that led to you hitting Chloe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well...I was writin’ my papi’s name and Noah and Ashley and Toey tame over and Noah said if I need to spend the night not to spend it at his house, tause wast time I peed an’ his mom missed dance practice tause she had to twean it up.  So I said otay, and Toey started makin’ fun of me, how I talk and stuff.  She said I was wearin’ a diaper.  Then Ashley said I got two dads and Toey talled them fags.”  Marely’s face grew flushed and her brow furrowed.  “I told her that was mean and she was being a bully.  I told her to stop an’ she got weally tlose to my face so I tould smell her breath and she yelled that I was a baby and my dads are faggots.  And I didn’t mean to but my brain didn’t think fast enough to stop my hand and I hitted her face.”  She glanced over to Rafael, who was watching her, and then added, “Sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Whitworth nodded.  “So what did you do wrong, and what should you do differently next time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley was chewing her bottom lip.  “Um...I hitted her face, that was wrong.  And my daddy told me you said next time get a teacher.  I told my dad that the teacher was far away, but I got fast wunnin’ wegs, so I tan get there, I think!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Whitford smiled.  “I’d like for you to try to do that next time, Marlene.  I also want you and your dads to know that using words like ‘fag’ and ‘faggot’ are completely unacceptable here.  Chloe is working on a letter to your family, apologizing for her words.  She understands that if she chooses to say something like that to you again, there will be other consequences.  Bullying is never okay, and part of her letter is also to you, Marlene.  It is never okay to make fun of other people.  We all know you are not a baby and you don’t wear diapers, but even if you did, it wouldn’t matter.  You are a student at Rockwood and you are a human being, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.  Do you know what that means?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley looked from Rafael to Dr. Whitford and shook her head no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll understand more as you get older, but it means that everyone must treat you kindly.  It is never okay to make fun of you or to say things that treat you as though you are not as good as everyone else.  We do not allow that here.  Understand?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now,” Dr. Whitford continued, “I am going to give you a warning this time, that we never use physical violence to solve a problem.  You cannot hit people, no matter what.  You must get a teacher or another adult to help you.  If this happens again, Marlene, you will have a more severe consequence.”  She turned her attention to Rafael.  “The school board has instituted a zero-tolerance policy for physical violence, and technically, I’m supposed to give her a suspension.  Since she was already suspended for leaving school grounds, I’ll write it up this time as though it covers both, and we won’t issue another suspension.  But if it happens again, I’ll be forced to suspend her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Interesting,” Rafael replied.  “Interesting that the board is more concerned with zero tolerance policies for how children defend themselves from bullies rather than addressing the reason she had to defend herself in the first place.  Why not a zero-tolerance policy for bullying?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Whitford smiled.  “I think that’s an excellent question, Mr. Barba-Carisi.  We have our next school board meeting a week from Thursday, and I would welcome you to attend and ask exactly that.  Now Marlene,” she turned back to the little girl, “I’m sure your dads talked to you about not leaving school grounds, right?  Because that cannot happen again, either, and that is why you weren’t allowed to come to school for two days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” Marlene nodded.  “Daddy talked to me on the phone and also at home about how I tan’t do that tause it’s not safe plus it stares people.  And Papi also talked to me about it tause he wants me to be safe.  Oh!  I also wrote a wetter to Mrs. Tortez.  Daddy said she was worried about me.  Papi helped me spell the words but I wrote all of them!  It was SO many words!” she laughed, and both adults smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure she will appreciate that,” Dr. Whitford replied.  She pulled a pad of paper out from her desk and began to write on it.  “Allright, my dear, this will get you back into your classroom.”  She buzzed the secretary.  “Ms. Hill?  Could you escort Marlene to her classroom?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can,” the voice replied, and Dr. Whitford handed Marlene the pass.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you both for coming in today,” Dr. Whitford said, standing.  “I realize life is busy, but I feel this is important.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Rafael said.  “Marlene is our top priority, and we appreciate you making school a safe and comfortable place for her to be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Whitford led them out of her office, to the outer office, and Ms. Hill stood from her desk.  “Now let me guess,” she said with a smile, bending down, “you must be Marley!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley giggled.  “Yeah, that’s me.”  Turning quickly, she ran to Rafael.  “Bye Papi!  ‘Member, hot totoa at pickup, otay?”  She kissed his cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll see...have a good day, mija.”  He watched as she took Ms. Hill’s hand and headed down the hallway toward the kindergarten rooms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Mr. Barba-Carisi,” Dr. Whitford said suddenly, “Here.”  She handed him a flyer.  “It’s the information about our next school board meeting.  I really would love to see you there, if you can make it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled and took the paper.  “I’ll see what I can do.  Thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So tell me why we’re here,” Renata said, settling into her chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swore her office got cozier and more comfortable every time he went to see her.  There were a couple of throws on the back of the couch now, as well as the one on the back of her chair that was always there.  A shaggy wine-colored rug was under their feet, and there were floor pillows in deep jewel tones resting against the wall.  He almost wanted to slip his shoes off and curl up under the blankets.  “Well, I thought I was coming to talk about my mother, but after seeing your office now, I’m feeling the need for a nap!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She chuckled and adjusted her purple cat-eyes glasses.  “Well, you know anything in here is for your use, so feel free to grab what you need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed a little awkwardly, then said, “I’m here because of my mom.  I know we’ve talked about her before, and you’re aware of some of that...stuff.”  He shook his head.  “I guess over the last couple of years, in particular, it’s really been bothering me that our relationship isn’t better.  It didn’t used to bother me.  I used to just accept it for what it was, and it was fine.  But over the last couple of years, I don’t know…”  He paused, reflecting.  “Is it wrong to expect more?  To see other parent-child relationships and think, I want that?  Or to even see the relationship I’m building with my own daughter, and want my mom to build that with me?”  He shook his head.  “Maybe it is.  Maybe I expect too much of her.  I mean, she’s in her late sixties.  She says she wants us to have a good relationship, and that she loves me, and I believe that.  But I don’t trust her.  I don’t confide in her if I don’t have to.  And I think some of it is that I feel pissed every time the topic of parenting comes up, whether it’s me or her or Marley or somebody else.  She sacrificed me a lot as a kid, and I don’t think she gets how much that hurt.  How much it still hurts,” he added, beginning to bite his thumbnail.  “I mean, I’m forty-seven years old and still navigating a world where I haven’t learned things she should have taught me...like relationships and stuff.  Although I guess she and Papi, they might be the reasons I did so well at SVU.  I recognize that kind of pattern, you know?  I can sniff dysfunction from a mile away.  I mean, I know Sonny and I have some too.  I’ll never </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>have it, with the start I had.  And I think I’m resentful for that too.  I mean, why should Sonny have to suffer because of what my parents did?  I’ve worked so hard to learn more functional patterns, you know?  I try really hard to be the best husband I can, and God knows, neither of them taught me how to be a good spouse.  My father was physically abusive and an alcoholic.  He could be hateful at times.  But she wasn’t exactly what I’d consider a good wife...she cheated on him, hid things from him...let him get away with all sorts of things he should have been responsible for.”  He pulled a pillow into his lap, rested his elbow against the back of the couch, and his head in his hand, then said, “Aren’t you gonna say anything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renata smiled.  “What would your ideal relationship with your mother look like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He drew back, making a quizzical face.  “Uh, I’m not sure...I guess we’d get along great, confide in each other more.  I’d like to not feel angry when I look at her--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So let’s word that positively--you’d like to feel how, when you look at her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused, unsure.  “Uh, happy?  Loved?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’d like to feel loved when you look at her,” Renata repeated, jotting some notes down on her pad of paper.  “Out of curiosity, does she love you now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.  She says she does, and I believe her.  I love her too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And as a boy?” Renata asked.  “As a boy, did she love you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s my sweet hijo,” Lucia pulled the blankets up to Rafael’s shoulders.  “Are you warm enough now, querido?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh-huh,” he nodded sleepily.  “Mami, how many sleeps until Santa comes now?  I forget.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She laughed softly, holding up five fingers.  “Well, last night there were this many, so tonight…” she lowered one finger, and he counted slowly, touching each finger.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Four!” he exclaimed.  “Only four!  And I’ve been a good boy, haven’t I?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes,” she smiled, kissing his forehead.  “Very good.  You are my very good boy.  And I love you, mijo...to the moon and back.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he said quietly, “she did...just...it makes it that much more confusing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tina Turner was right, Rafael, when she asked what’s love got to do with it,” Renata said.  “I’m going to give you some homework.  I want you to write me a few paragraphs on what makes a good parent.  As much or as little as you feel comfortable with.  Bring it with you next week and we’ll talk about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded.  “Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you so much, Papi!  This is so de-wicious!”  Marley slurped her hot cocoa as Rafael slowly sipped his coffee, watching her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was your day better today, mija?” he asked, and she nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t go on the playground tause it’s so yucky outside but it was fun inside.  And Mrs. Tortez weally wiked her tard.  Wait a minute...tuh...cuh! Cuhrtez…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Keep going!” he encouraged, his face lit up.  “You’re so close...you can do it!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Curtez….Cor-tez!”  Her face froze in pure delight, mouth wide open.  “Cortez!  I did it, Papi!  Cuh….Cup!  Cuh--ake!  Cake!  Papi!” She jumped out of her chair and threw her arms around him.  “I did it!  I did it!  I said...Cortez!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did, baby...you did!” he exclaimed with her, and he wiped a tear from his eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I did it, Mami!  Look, all of them, even Algebra!  All A’s!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mijo!” she exclaimed, hugging him despite how uncool he thought it was.  “One step closer to Harvard!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lucy, send your kid home.  You’re supposed to be working.”  Stan motioned toward the registers.  “I don’t want to have to tell you again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rafael hated her boss, Stan.  He never called Mami by her name and seemed to treat her poorly because she was Cuban.  “Go on home,” she told him, “but I’m bringing something special for dinner, mijo!  We’ll celebrate...my son gets Principal’s List yet another year!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rafael finished setting the table.  He’d had a sense she wanted to talk about something important, but now he knew it and he couldn’t help but wonder how important it was.  He poured them each a glass of iced tea, then sat and waited for her.</p><p>“Okay,” she said, hurrying from the back and settling in the chair next to his.  “Looks good, huh?”</p><p>“It does,” he confirmed, smiling.  “Smells good, too.”  They began to eat quietly, without conversation, until Rafael awkwardly said, “Was there something you wanted to talk about today?”</p><p>Lucia cleared her throat, and took a sip of her tea.  “There is,” she told him.  “But it’s difficult and I’m not sure how to tell you...so I guess I should just spit it out, maybe.”</p><p>*****<br/>Because life doesn't wait for ideal timing.  Lucia has an announcement that may change everything.</p><p>TW: major illness disclosed</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!  </p><p>Trigger warning--major illness disclosed.  </p><p>Your kudos and comments are so appreciated.  Thank you for them and I hope you enjoy this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>“Sorry I’m late,” Sonny took the chair across from Lucia’s.  “How are you?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” she replied, smiling.  “It’s good to see you, Soleado.  I feel like it’s been a long time.”</p><p> </p><p>Sonny returned her smile just as the waiter arrived to take their orders.  They ordered quickly; once the waiter had left, Sonny turned his attention back to Lucia.  “I was so glad you called.  I also felt like we hadn’t talked in awhile, and I was wondering how you were doing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Staying busy.”  She stirred her coffee.  “It’s not the same kind of busy from when I was working, you know...I was used to sixty- or seventy-hour weeks.  Now I work roughly ten hours a week.  Well, that’s what I say, but then it turns into much more...that’s how education is.”  She chuckled.  “I’m sure it’s the same in the DA’s office...or it was from what Rafael used to describe.”  She took a sip.</p><p> </p><p>Sonny laughed.  “Yeah, it’s pretty much the same as it was when he was there, just lacking his expertise.”  Lucia’s eyes locked on his, and he immediately regretted his choice of words.  “The good news, though, is that Rafael is very happy working with Project Innocence.  In fact, he has a trial coming up next month, and he feels really good about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad to hear that.  I know he’s very good at what he does, Sonny.  And I know he and Marlene are both enjoying their time together.  Hopefully it’s all well-balanced and working out for your whole family.”</p><p> </p><p>“I think so,” Sonny told her.  “In some ways, it’s really been a great thing.  Seeing both of them blossom in their relationship is so, so great.  He’s such a good dad, and I know how important that is to him.”</p><p> </p><p>The waiter arrived then to drop their food off, then left.  “He’s an excellent papi,” Lucia commented.  “I don’t know why he thinks I don’t think so, but I do.  If every kid had a dad like you or my Rafi, they’d be set.  And I know he’s worked hard at it.  God knows, he didn’t learn it from Miguel.  And I know he also thinks he didn’t learn anything helpful from me, either.”</p><p> </p><p>“Lucia,” Sonny said sympathetically, “I don’t think he thinks <em> that. </em>  I think he just wants a better relationship with you, and doesn’t know how to get there.  He’s still got a lot of resentment from childhood.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure he does,” she replied.  “He got a raw deal.  Two young parents who were minorities  and poor, who drank too much and thought too little.  We weren’t prepared to have him in any way, and he paid for that.”  She lay her fork down and looked up at Sonny.  “I called you for a reason, Soleado.”  She exhaled heavily, then said, “I have breast cancer.”</p><p> </p><p>Sonny froze for a moment, then lay his fork down too.  “Oh my God, Lucia...I’m so sorry.  When did you find out?”</p><p> </p><p>“Two weeks ago,” she replied.  “Well, actually, I got the results from my second opinion two weeks ago.  I’m scheduled for a mastectomy in early January.  I don’t know how to tell him.  It’s stage two, and my doctor thinks that with surgery and radiation I will be okay.  Obviously, I won’t be able to watch my sweet nieta for a few weeks then.”  She picked up her napkin and dabbed her eyes, then took a deep breath.  “Tell me the best way to tell him.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know,” Sonny said honestly.  “But I do think you need to do it as soon as possible.”  He reached across the table and took her hand in his.  “I am so very sorry.  Is there anything I can do for you?”</p><p> </p><p>“The best thing you could ever do for me is what you already do,” she told him, eyes glistening with tears.  “Just keep loving my babies...mi hijo, mi nieta...that’s all.”</p><p> </p><p>Sonny squeezed her hand.  “You don’t ever have to worry about that, Lucia.  I’ll do that, and gladly.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Marlene, time to get up, mija.”  Rafael shook his daughter gently as her eyes opened.  “Time to get ready for school, sweetie.”</p><p> </p><p>She yawned.  “Otay, Papi.  Is it still told?”  She coughed, then tried again. “I mean, cuh--cold?”</p><p> </p><p>He smiled.  “Good remembering!  Yes, it’s still cold.  You’ll need your heavy coat today.  And your boots, if you want them.”</p><p> </p><p>She nodded, and he stepped out to give her time to get dressed.  He made his way back to the kitchen and grabbed his mug, just as Sonny was pouring himself a cup.  “Good morning, baby,” Rafael murmured, kissing Sonny’s cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, come back here with that,” Sonny teased, tugging Rafael’s shirt.  He grinned and stepped back so Sonny could kiss him.  The kiss was deep and long and comforting, and  Rafael made himself at home in it.  “I love you,” </p><p> </p><p>“Mmm...me too,” Sonny murmured as his husband pulled away.  Marley made her way into the kitchen and he smiled at her.  “Good morning, beautiful little girl!  How are you this morning?”</p><p> </p><p>She coughed, then smiled.  “I’m good, Daddy.”  She coughed again and took a seat at the table.  “Am I eatin’ cereal today?” she asked, seeing the empty table.</p><p> </p><p>“It would appear so,” Rafael answered her, handing over the box from the cupboard and pulling the milk from the fridge.  “You want a banana too?”</p><p> </p><p>She nodded, carefully pouring her cereal and milk, and a minute later Rafael sliced a banana into her cereal.  “We need to leave as soon as we can, mija,” Rafael told her.   “I’m supposed to meet your abuelita for breakfast.”</p><p> </p><p>“You are?”  Sonny asked, trying not to sound alarmed.  “What time?”</p><p> </p><p>Rafael shrugged.  “Around 8:30, right after I drop her off.  We’re meeting over by the school...not a big deal.  Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“No reason.  I was just curious.”  Sonny tried his best to sound relaxed but wasn’t sure he was pulling it off.  Rafael kept looking at him like he was trying to figure something out, so Sonny decided to drop it entirely.  “So Marley Mae, you sure you’re feeling okay?  You’ve got a bit of a cough, sweetheart.”</p><p> </p><p>At the mention of it, Marley coughed again, harder this time, following it up with a sneeze.  “I’m just a wittle cuh-- cold, Daddy...and my froat hurts a wittle bit.”  Sonny reached over and felt her forehead, then made a face, and Rafael grabbed the thermometer, handing it over.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, kiddo, looks like you get a free day home with Papi today,” Sonny announced, passing the thermometer back to Rafael.  It said 101.</p><p> </p><p>“Eesh!”  Rafael pulled out his phone.  “I’m going to cancel with your abuelita--”</p><p> </p><p>“Wait!” Sonny cried out, and Rafael looked confused.  “Go ahead and go.  I can be late today...I don’t have court today.  I’ll just call Ms. Hadid and let her know Marley is sick and you have a commitment.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous,” Rafael laughed.  “I can meet Mami later this week.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, Rafael,” Sonny said firmly, and now Rafael looked even more confused.  Sonny continued.  “I think your mom is really trying to talk to you, and you should go.  It’s not a big deal.  Go get your coat and get going.  Please.”</p><p> </p><p>Rafael rolled his eyes and dialled, then roamed back to the master bedroom.  “Mami?  It’s Rafi,” was the last that Sonny heard, because Marley was tapping his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Do I gotta eat this?  Cause it’s makin’ my tummy feel gross, Daddy.”  Her little face was turning gray and she started to cough again.</p><p> </p><p>“No, baby...don’t eat it.”  He picked it up and put it in the sink.  “Come on, sweetie, let’s go put you back in bed so you can rest...or do you want to rest in our room so you can watch TV?”</p><p> </p><p>“Your woom, please...I just gotta get Knuffle, otay?  Okay, I mean?”  He nodded and she got up and headed to her bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>“Mami’s going to come over here for a late lunch,” Rafael said, coming out of the back.  “She’ll bring something for us, and Marley can rest while she and I talk...it should be fine.”  Rafael stood next to him in the kitchen.  “Now you don’t have to miss any work.  Ms. Hadid will be happy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Who knew we’d all be living to make Ms. Hadid happy?” Sonny teased, turning and kissing him.  “Call me if you need me, babe...okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,”  Rafael watched as Sonny grabbed his coat, just as Marley came back into the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m weady,” she told Sonny, and coughed again.  </p><p> </p><p>“Papi will help get you settled,” Sonny said, then motioned to Rafael.  “I told her she could watch TV in our room.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sounds good to me.  Have a good day, Soleado.  Love you.”  He kissed his husband one more time, then headed toward the bedroom to check on his daughter.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“I hope you still like this soup,” Lucia told him, handing over the packages from the diner.  “I got mi querida some chicken noodle...I thought that might help, since she’s sick.”</p><p> </p><p>“It smells fantastic.  Let me get this to her first, and then we’ll eat,” Rafael said, sorting out the containers.</p><p> </p><p>Lucia shook her head.  “Why don’t I do that, and you can get the food set up...hopefully then she won’t interrupt us.  I’d like to talk with you alone, if I can.”</p><p> </p><p>He shot her an odd look, but didn’t object, so she took the cup of soup and a spoon, along with a bottle of water to the master bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>Rafael finished setting the table.  He’d had a sense she wanted to talk about something important, but now he knew it and he couldn’t help but wonder how important it was.  He poured them each a glass of iced tea, then sat and waited for her.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” she said, hurrying from the back and settling in the chair next to his.  “Looks good, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“It does,” he confirmed, smiling.  “Smells good, too.”  They began to eat quietly, without conversation, until Rafael awkwardly said, “Was there something you wanted to talk about today?”</p><p> </p><p>Lucia cleared her throat, and took a sip of her tea.  “There is,” she told him.  “But it’s difficult and I’m not sure how to tell you...so I guess I should just spit it out, maybe.”</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled.  “Yeah, that’ll work.”  He reached over and touched her hand.  “Hey Mami, whatever it is, it’s okay.  We’ll work through it.”</p><p> </p><p>She looked at him, eyes large, and he could see her nervousness.  “Okay, papito,” she said quietly, “I have breast cancer.”  As he sucked in his breath, she added, “It’s stage two, I’ve just gotten a second confirmation and I’m scheduled for a mastectomy in early January...the doctor thinks that and radiation should take care of it.”</p><p> </p><p>He reached over and hugged her tightly, pulling their chairs together.  “Mami…”  She slowly wrapped her arms around him, holding her boy as he spoke.  “Mami, you know I love you.  We’ll get through this.  You know Sonny’s mom was an oncology nurse before she retired...she can help point us in the right direction for treatment, surgeons, all of it...and we’ll help take care of you.  We can move you in here for awhile if we need to.  The home office is pretty small, but we could move Marley in there and you could have her room...it’s right next to the bathroom, so that would be convenient.  And I’m home most of the time, most days I’m here by two in the afternoon if I’ve been working in the office.  We’ll work it out--”</p><p> </p><p>“Rafi.”  She pulled back from him and held his face in her hands.  “You are a good man, Rafael.”  Her eyes were teary as she gazed at him, and he felt a tear fall down his cheek.  “I love you, mijo, more than I can say.  But I don’t want to interrupt your life like that.  I have some friends who can help me at home, and I’ll have some home health care as well--”</p><p> </p><p>“Mateo?” he asked, and at her surprised expression, he smiled almost shyly.  “Marley told me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, that clever girl.  She did?”  At his nod, she sighed.  “She’s only met him a few times, when we’ve gone to the school.  But yes, Mateo is someone who has offered to help.”  She shook her head.  “I didn’t want to tell you until I felt more sure about us, about what we were doing.”  Her eyes met his and she smiled.  “He’s a good man, Rafi.  He’s a teacher, and a divorcee.  He loves music and theater, and he wouldn’t lift a finger to hurt a dog, never mind a person.”  Her face took on a relaxed look, and her happiness shone through.  “I want you to meet him, when you’d like.  He’s kind and giving, and I’m a better woman around him.  I’m who I’ve always wanted to be.”</p><p> </p><p>Hearing that, he couldn’t help but smile back at her, and he wiped a tear from her face with his thumb.  “I’m glad to hear that,” he said sincerely.  “I really am.”</p><p> </p><p>“Papi?”  Marley padded over to him in her sweats and slippers, and climbed on his lap.  “Why’s everybody cryin’?  Is everything oh--kay?”</p><p> </p><p>He hugged her close and kissed her cheek.  “Mami?”  At her raised eyebrow, he nodded.  “It’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Lucia reached over and rubbed Marley’s arm.  “Mi querida, my doctor has told me that I am sick.  I have something called breast cancer.  After Christmas, I’ll have an operation, and then I’ll have some very strong medicine for awhile, and for awhile I won’t be able to do the things I usually do.  But my doctor says after the medicine, I should be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Marley looked from Lucia to Rafael, then back, and her bottom lip began to quiver.  “Are you gonna get dead?”</p><p> </p><p>Lucia laughed in surprise.  “I certainly hope not, sweetie.  I’m not planning on it.”</p><p> </p><p>Marley put a hand on either side of Rafael’s face.  “Are you scared, Papi?”</p><p> </p><p>Hesitantly, he nodded.  “I am, princesa.  But I know we all love Abby and we’ll help to take care of her and make sure she gets the very best care.”  Squeezing Lucia’s hand, he repeated, “The very best.”  Lucia beamed at him, and for the first time in a very long time, he felt a warm, loving connection to his mother, a genuine connection that was warming his heart and soul.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, Abby.  We’ll take good care of you,” Marley was saying now, patting her grandmother’s arm.  Lucia’s tears had started again, but her smile was bright, and Rafael wanted to remember this moment forever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Anyway,” Liv smiled.  “How’s Marlene doing?  Does she know about your mom?”</p><p>“Yeah, actually,” he said.  “She was there when my mom told me, and so we went ahead and told her too.  She’s worried, but she’s doing okay with it.”  He drummed his fingers on the back of the couch, trying to figure out a smooth way to bring up his concerns about Noah.  Ironically...</p><p>“Noah mentioned something about her having a problem with another girl at school...I was going to call you, but I figured you were busy...and I knew you’d call if you wanted to talk about it.  I didn’t want to bother you.”  God help him.  If he didn’t jump in and say something now, he never would.  </p><p>*****<br/>Rafael has that much-needed conversation with Olivia, the boys have a date night, and Liv tries to patch things up with Marlene.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry,” Liv said as they sat on her couch, sharing a nightcap.  “It sounds like they caught it fairly early though, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shook his head.  “I don’t know.  All I know is that she feels fairly confident in both her doctor and her surgeon.  Deb said they’re really good too, and if Mama Carisi endorses you, you’re quite likely the best.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv smiled.  “I had forgotten Sonny’s mom used to be an oncology nurse.  It’s good that you have that support.  Is your mom open to listening to her, if she has advice?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think so,” Rafael replied.  “Apparently, she also has a boyfriend that she hadn’t told me about.  Marley outed her first, but then she told me about him when this all came out.  She wants us to meet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow...what are you thinking about that?” Liv asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.  I mean, obviously I’ll meet him.  That’s fine.  But my mother’s choice in men…” He shook his head again.  “I mean, she chose my dad.  That speaks enough for itself, doesn’t it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv sat back.  “Yeah, but how old was she, Rafael?  A teenager?  I can’t imagine people basing any kind of opinion of me on who I was dating as a teenager.”  She laughed.  “If they did, they’d think I was a diva princess with a daddy complex.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He raised an eyebrow, and she snorted.  “Okay, but I’m aware of the daddy thing and overall, I do NOT let that impact my life in major ways.”  At his silence, she added, “No more than you do, Rafa.  You’re still trying to resolve things with Miguel, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.”  He took a long drink.  “You think we ever resolve anything in this life?  Or do we just keep circling around it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv hummed as she thought.  “I can only answer for me, but I don’t think we ever get full resolution.  I think we can get to a place where we can live with it, but it takes a lot of hard work and there’s no guarantees.  Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re trying to improve our relationship, Mami and me.  Sonny thinks I need more therapy and to focus on it there, and I am...and Mami and I are talking, working on it, but I don’t even know what that should look like or if we’re doing the right thing.  I just want to stop feeling so angry at her about past transgressions, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it anger?” Liv interrupted him, “Or could it be hurt?  It’s a lot easier to be angry than it is to be hurt, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at her for a long moment, and then broke his gaze.  “Well, that would be it.  Yeah, there’s anger there also, but that feeling of wondering why I wasn’t important enough to put me ahead of other people.  I wasn’t important enough to protect, I wasn’t important enough to be more proactive during Papi’s deterioration....”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv patted his hand.  “I don’t know the answer, Rafa.  Selena told me once that she should have aborted me, that I was an abomination.  I was sixteen and being difficult, and she was drunk at the time.  But that wounded me in a way I still have trouble putting into words, and it changed our relationship permanently.  We never were able to talk about it, not even when I reached adulthood, and now I wish we had.  I just think if there’s anything you’re holding back from her, that you haven’t told her hurt you, that’s where you start.  If you’ve told her all those things, and she’s apologized, then yes, it’s up to you what you do with that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Liv,” he responded, eyes wide.  “I can’t believe anyone would ever say that to you.  You have to know that isn’t true, right?  And you’re such a gift to everyone you meet...I can’t imagine a world without you.”  He squeezed her hand firmly, and she smiled.  “Mami never said anything like that to me.  Even my father never…”  He stopped speaking then, realizing he was probably making it worse.  “Anyway.”  Rafael cleared his throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyway,” Liv smiled.  “How’s Marlene doing?  Does she know about your mom?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, actually,” he said.  “She was there when my mom told me, and so we went ahead and told her too.  She’s worried, but she’s doing okay with it.”  He drummed his fingers on the back of the couch, trying to figure out a smooth way to bring up his concerns about Noah.  Ironically...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Noah mentioned something about her having a problem with another girl at school...I was going to call you, but I figured you were busy...and I knew you’d call if you wanted to talk about it.  I didn’t want to bother you.”  God help him.  If he didn’t jump in and say something now, he never would.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Speaking of that,” Rafael began nervously, “I actually do need to talk with you about that.  Did he tell you any more than that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not much,” she admitted.  “In fact, he seemed like he didn’t really want to talk about it.  He just said that a girl in his class named Chloe picked a fight with Marley, and that Marley got upset and hit her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Knowing that Noah told such a sanitized version of the story upset him.  “Liv, there’s a lot more to it, and some of it involves Noah,” he said.  “I don’t want to upset you, and I’ve struggled with how to tell you, but if it were my child I’d want to know--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I want to know!” she immediately responded.  “What happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He exhaled slowly.  “Well, it started when Noah and a couple of the girls in his class approached Marlene on the playground.  In front of the older girls, he asked that she not spend the night at his house anymore because when she wet the bed last time you had to miss dance practice to clean it up when she went home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyes grew large.  “He said that?  In front of other kids?”  As Rafael nodded, Liv held her forehead and shook her head.  “I’m sorry, Rafael.  Obviously, he needs to learn some sensitivity.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, that started it, but then as Chloe started to tease Marley, Ashley pointed out that she had two dads.  Chloe then started to call her a baby and us fags.  Marley told her several times to stop and that she was bullying, and this kid Chloe just got in her face and continued to make fun of her speech, her potty accident, and her dads, and I guess nobody stood up for her...and she slapped the kid in the face.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv was drinking her wine now, draining her glass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael sighed.  “I think at that point, Noah told her that you can get expelled for fighting, so she decided to quit and left.”  At Liv’s sudden wide-eyed stare at him, he nodded and said, “Yep.  Dropped out of kindy and walked the mile home by herself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shakily, she asked, “And Noah knew this?  Noah watched her walk away?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded.  “I’m afraid so, yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God, Rafael.  On behalf of my son, I apologize.  The only excuse I have is he’s eight.  And believe me, he’s going to be facing a pretty unhappy mom in the morning.”  She looked down the hallway toward her son’s room before returning her attention to Rafael.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, there’s one more thing I need to tell you while I’m at it.  The reason Marley was so upset when she spent the night here...apparently he told her that we must not love her or want her around if we had a date night.  That either we wanted a different baby or we didn’t want one at all.  She was pretty upset.  I know he probably didn’t mean to upset her the way he did, but I felt like you should know.  He probably just needs to learn to be a little more sensitive, like you said.”  He reached over and patted her hand now, trying to comfort her.  “Liv, he’s eight.  And he’s a typical kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wiped a tear away.  “I guess I just like to believe he’d never bully anyone, or put up with anyone else’s bullying.  But clearly I’m wrong.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, Marley confirmed that everything he told the principal was the truth...even the parts that didn’t put him or his friends in the best light.  So that’s good, Liv...that’s important.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”  She forced a smile.  “Obviously we’ll be talking about this and there will be some consequences.  Please let Marley know that I will be handling this, and that she is absolutely welcome to spend the night here any time, and next time I will personally make sure that she has a very good time.”  She was quiet for a moment, then said, “Would it be okay if I took Marley out for a little while on Saturday, maybe around lunch?  Maybe she and I can spend some time together and she’ll feel more comfortable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael shot her a half smile.  “That’s very kind, Liv.  I’m sure she’ll love that.  And please make sure Noah knows that we love him unconditionally, and we know he’ll make better choices.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now she grinned.  “Look at us, adulting and parenting like experts!”  She sighed.  “I need more wine.  You?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, please,” he replied, holding out his glass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny lay flat on his back, hands gripping the headboard as he watched his husband move slowly up and down his cock.  Watching was an incredible treat, and he grinned as Rafael impaled himself again. “Aah,” Rafael groaned, “I love your cock.  Jesus.”  He rose up again, then dropped, and Sonny thrust upward at the same time.  “Fuck,” Rafael moaned.  “Just fuck me like this the rest of my life, Sonny.  Damn.  So good.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny let go of the headboard with one hand and, reaching forward, tweaked a nipple as Rafael continued to ride him.  Rafael squeaked in response, and Sonny grinned and tweaked it again.  “You like that, huh? Anything I do to your nipples is pretty much golden, isn’t it?”  Rafael panted as he moved up and down even more forcefully, and Sonny tweaked the nipple harder.  “What, you don’t wanna answer me now?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m focusing here!” Rafael snapped breathlessly.  Sonny grabbed his hips and thrust upward quickly in fast succession, and they both gasped, then burst into laughter.  “Sorry to distract you, babe.  I know you’re focusing,” Sonny teased, and Rafael braced one hand on Sonny’s hip while beginning to stroke himself with the other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Very funny, Dominick,” he gasped, pumping himself quickly as he rocked back and forth on Sonny’s cock.  “I’m trying to come here and you’re just working on your improv routine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’re in a hurry tonight,” Sonny mused, continuing to thrust up and back.  “Why don’t you get on up here and fuck my face?  I’ll suck you off right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carefully, Rafael removed himself from Sonny, then crawled forward.  “You sure about this?” he asked, helping Sonny support his head a little more.  He leaned forward, grasping onto the headboard, and Sonny licked his slit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm,” Sonny hummed.  “Give me some more of that.”  He guided Rafael’s cock into his mouth and began to suck gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, God yes.”  Rafael rocked forward, filling his husband’s mouth, and Sonny gripped his hips, then slid his fingers around until they were playing with his ass.  Rafael moaned loudly, and Sonny sucked him in more deeply. “Fuck, baby, please…” Rafael began to thrust more firmly, quicker, further down Sonny’s throat and Sonny slid two fingers inside of Rafael’s ass, scissoring and rubbing in circles.  “Sonny.  Yes.  I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna…” Rafael chanted, then thrust one more time and gripped Sonny’s hair, shooting into his throat.  His body stiffened and arched, pleasure encompassing every bit of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny swallowed repeatedly until it felt as though Rafael were finished.  He sucked delicately at his husband as Rafael pulled out and collapsed on the bed next to him.  After a minute, he slapped Rafael’s ass.  “Mmm,” Rafael responded, now lying on his stomach and tilting his ass upward, “go ahead and finish, baby.  You can have whatever you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Sonny responded, climbing behind him, then pulling his cheeks apart.  “You gonna be okay if I finish like this?  I know you like the overstimulation...and God, you’re so loose…”  Sonny squeezed more lube onto himself and into Rafael, using his fingers to spread it around, and Rafael moaned softly.  “Tell me it’s okay...you know I’m not gonna do it if you don’t tell me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm,” Rafael moaned again, still a little high from his last orgasm.  “Yeah, Sonny, fuck me just like that.  I want it.  I want you again.  Want you to come in me now…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny slid in easily and bottomed out, and Rafael let out a high pitched sigh.  Sonny immediately gripped his hips and began to thrust hard and fast, closing his own eyes and getting lost in the pleasure immediately.  Knowing his husband enjoyed this particular aspect of submissiveness, of giving himself over, spent and messy, for Sonny’s pleasure, made him ridiculously horny.  Rafael’s eyes were closed but his mouth was open, and he continued to sigh and moan every few seconds, as though Sonny were turning him on all over again.  Sonny watched his face, digging his fingers into his hips, until the pleasure overwhelmed him and he cried out.  “Fuck,” he groaned, thrusting erratically as he came inside his exhausted husband.  “Fuck,” he repeated a minute later as he pulled out and collapsed onto the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A moment later he felt Rafael’s beard rubbing against his neck affectionately, and an arm wrapped around his torso.  “I love it when you finish me like that,” Rafael murmured against his skin.  “I love how you fuck me so loose.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled low, sexy.  “I don’t enjoy it like you do, like that, but I’m happy to make you happy.  God knows you indulge me enough.”  He turned his head just enough to kiss his husband’s forehead, then wrapped his fingers with the ones on his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A quiet lull fell over them for several minutes, until Sonny finally asked, “You asleep?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm,” Rafael hummed.  “Uh-uh.  Not yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny ran fingers over Rafael’s warm back.  “I just wanted to say I’m very impressed with how you handled the Noah situation.  I love Noah, but he needs to be responsible for the things he’s said to Marley. If the situation were reversed, and God knows it probably will be one day, I would want to know.  Wouldn’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm.  Yeah.”  Rafael stretched, then lay his head back on Sonny’s chest.  “And that’s what Liv and I talked about.  Just that as parents, we’d want to know.  I know she was embarrassed, but I think she was also glad I told her.  And she’s going to come by tomorrow and take Marley out for a little while, just to mend fences, I think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s nice.”  Sonny began to play with Rafael’s hair at the back of his head.  “How are you doing with your mom?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”  He kissed Sonny’s chest.  “She wants us to go to dinner with her and Mateo next  week.  I was going to ask you if you had a preference of nights…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Toward the end of the week is better.  Maybe this Mateo guy is good, you know?  Maybe he’s a stabilizing force.  She told you he’s kind, right?  And Marley seems to like him...I kind of trust our daughter’s instincts about people, to be honest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael snorted.  “If you say so.  She’s five, but whatever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be nice, right?  Make us all proud of you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I am!” He pulled back, looking up at his husband with a shocked expression.  “When have I ever made you not proud of me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny willed his eyes not to roll, then pinched his husband’s ass.  “Settle down there, babe.  Just checking.  C’mere and kiss me...that’s far more preferential than bickering over your could-be stepdaddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stepdaddy?” Rafael echoed, looking horrified.  Sonny pulled him down and kissed his lips thoroughly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, mijo,” Sonny teased, nipping Rafael’s ear, “let’s get some sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think sleep for me is ruined forever,” Rafael moaned, staring into the darkness, and Sonny snuggled up and closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Marley,” Liv greeted the little girl as she opened the door.  “Did your papi tell you I was coming to take you out today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley nodded.  “Uh-huh!  I just got back from my abby’s and Papi told me you were comin’ over.  He said you wanna talk with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do,” Liv told her as Rafael stepped into the room.  “Hey,” she greeted him.  “We’re just going down the street to the cafe.  Should be back in an hour, if that’s okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded.  “I think that’s great.” Bending down, he kissed Marley’s cheek.  “Be good and listen to Aunt Livvy, okay, mija?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will!”  Liv winked back at him, and they headed out the door.  Liv let Marley guide her out of the building, pressing the elevator buttons, and she had to admit, she was pretty impressed that the kid could easily get from her apartment to the cafe she had mentioned with no problems.  When they entered the cafe, Marley looked up at her.  “See?  I toldja don’t worry, Aunt Wivvy!  I know how to get here.  I come here for hot totoa--” she stopped and shook her head, correcting herself--”hot cocoa with my papi and sometimes with Daddy too.  Do you and Noah wike hot cocoa?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We do,” Liv confirmed, and they found a table easily.  “What would you like today?  Are you hungry, or do you just want hot cocoa?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Marley tapped her chin as she looked at the paper menu, and Liv couldn’t help but wonder if she was really reading it or just pretending.  After a few seconds, Marley turned the menu over to the back and hummed again.  “Well, I think I would weally wike a hot cocoa and a cookie…” She paused and glanced up at Liv.  “Are you gonna tell my papi if I get a cookie?  He says one sweet, but sometimes Daddy says wules are made to be broken and he wets me have a cookie with my cocoa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv couldn’t help but smile.  “Why don’t you tell me what you’d like, and we’ll keep it between us today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay...then I would wike a small hot cocoa and a chocolate chip cookie.”  Liv nodded, then went to place their order at the counter a few feet away.  When she returned, Marley was looking at a couple of children’s books from the free library near their table.  Liv grinned to herself; she couldn’t help but imagine how routine this must be for Rafael and Marlene.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So Marley,” she started, unsure of exactly what to say, “your papi told me what happened at school with Noah...and also at home, at my house.”  Marley’s eyes shot up to hers, and Liv swore the little girl suddenly looked guarded.  It was a look she hadn’t seen very often on Marlene.  “I wanted to talk with you about those things.  Is that okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley nodded slowly, closing the books and laying them to the side, just as the server brought their drinks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.  Okay, honey, I wanted to talk with you first about my house.  Your papi and Noah have both told me what happened.  Noah said that he and Ashley weren’t very nice to you with their words that evening.  Is that true?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley was quiet for a minute, then she said, “Well, I think they didn’t know at first that I’m not a baby, and they was just sayin’ stuff so I wouldn’t be a baby.  Just wike to talk better and stuff.”  She took a sip of her cocoa.  “That’s what Noah said...he said I need to talk better so kids won’t think I’m a baby.  I think he was just trying to help me.  Yeah, that’s what it was.”  She nodded, as though she were trying to convince herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv leaned forward.  “But you’re talking your very best, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m trying..but, but I’m gonna get better this year, Aunt Wivvy!  Mr. B says so!  And I already wearned my hard c!  Didja hear it when I say cocoa?  I sound wike all the other kids now.”  She smiled proudly, and Liv didn’t know if her heart was full or aching.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do, honey.  But I think Noah said some other things too...about your dads.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The smile fell from Marlene’s face as quickly as it had appeared.  “Do we gotta talk about that?  It’s all over. Daddy and Papi said I don’t gotta think about it if I don’t want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh honey,” Liv said softly.  “His words really hurt you, didn’t they?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head.  “No, I’m okay.  It’s okay.  My dads wove me so, so much.  They don’t want any other kids.  They'll always be there after date night.  They won’t weave me.  No matter what, even if I pee the bed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liv reached for her hand, and only then realized the little girl was shaking.  “No honey, your dads love you so very much.  And if Noah said something that made you think that wasn’t true, if he said anything that made you think that your daddies wanted anyone but you, then he was very, very wrong.”  She squeezed Marley’s hand.  “I have talked to Noah, Marley, and I told him how wrong he was.  You know, your papi told me what happened, and he was so sad that you were hurt like that.  He loves you so much, honey.  So does your daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, Aunt Wivvy.  Can we go home now?”  Somehow this wasn’t going how Liv had pictured, but she didn’t want to force the little girl to talk when she was clearly upset and uncomfortable.  So she wrapped up the half-eaten cookie and they carried what was left of their drinks with them, up to the apartment.  And when they got there, Marley headed back to her bedroom, and Rafael looked at Liv questioningly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I may have made it worse,” she acknowledged, to which he patted her shoulder and promised to text her later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey mija,” he said a few minutes later, entering her room.  She was laying on her bed, holding Knuffle Bunny, with Pru lying next to her.  “Are you tired?  It’s close to naptime…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Papi, will you snuggle me?” she asked.  He nodded and lay down next to her, and she cuddled up in his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, princesa?” he asked.  “Aunt Livvy was just trying to help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley sighed softly into his shoulder, poking at her Knuffle Bunny.  “I know.  I just don’t wanna talk so much about what Noah said no more.  I just wanna be here with my papi and my daddy.  I feel sad in my heart when I think about what Noah said.”  She was rubbing her eyes, and he suddenly realized she was crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, mija, we don’t have to talk about it.  Papi’s right here, and Daddy will be home from the store soon.”  He kissed her forehead, and they lay snuggled like that for a long time.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rafael turned his head to the side and opened one eye.  Marley was standing next to him, swinging side to side and watching his face.  She bent down so their faces were parallel.  “Hey there Papi...are you okay today?”</p><p>“Yeah baby, I’m fine,” he mumbled into his pillow.  Seeing how concerned she looked, he pulled his face from the pillow completely.  “I’m fine, mija.  I just don’t feel very good today.”</p><p>She climbed onto the bed, sitting next to him.  “Is that ‘cause you drank the wine?  Daddy said sometimes when grownups drink too much wine they act funny and talk funny.”</p><p>“Huh,” he grunted.  “Yeah, that’s true.”</p><p>She smiled.  “You were funny wast night.  You talked funny and you said funny stuff...and you did stuff that was inappwo-piate.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said now, feeling ashamed.  “I remember.”</p><p>“Yeah.  I didn’t wike that...and it was funny but it also felt kinda scary, Papi.”  She was playing with the edge of the comforter, and she wasn’t smiling anymore.</p><p>*****<br/>The Barba-Carisis have dinner with Lucia and Mateo.  Rafael attempts to hide his discomfort by imbibing too much, and experiences some unexpected consequences.</p><p>TW: drunk parent, accidental nudity in front of a child</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello and thanks for reading!</p><p>I know I've slowed down in my posting, and unfortunately, it will probably stay this way for awhile.  Hopefully the story is still interesting and engaging! </p><p>This chapter involves the family meeting Mateo, Lucia's significant other.  Please be aware of the trigger warnings in this chapter.  There is a drunk parent, and an unlocked door, and a nosy child.  But there is also a sober parent, and an apologetic, guilty, ashamed parent, and a child who's pretty good at telling a parent when he messes up.</p><p>You may be wondering where all of this is going.  All I can say is that those who throw stones shouldn't live in glass houses, and Rafael's starting to realize he's got a lot of glass around him.</p><p>As always, thank you so much for taking the time to kudo and comment.  I truly appreciate it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“There they are, Daddy!” Marlene grinned and waved to Lucia and Mateo across the restaurant, only restrained by Sonny’s hand on her wrist.  She had an automatic hop in her step due to her excitement, and Sonny leaned down to whisper to her to calm down.  Rafael followed a step behind them, trying to look as though he met his mother’s boyfriends every day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hola, Abby!  Hola Mateo! Como estas?”  Rafael shot a sharp look of surprise at his daughter as she greeted the two older adults in spanish.  He’d never seen her do that, and with the exception of a handful of phrases they used around the house, she generally didn’t show much interest in his native tongue, he’d thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hola, princesa!  Tu ves encantadora esta noche,” (Hello, princess!  You look lovely tonight) Mateo told the little girl, hugging her briefly, then stood to introduce himself.  “You must be Rafael,” he started correctly, extending his hand.  Rafael took it and shook it firmly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I am.  It’s nice to meet you, Mateo.  This is my husband, Sonny, and you know my daughter, Marlene.”  He ruffled Marley’s curls and she turned and grinned at him.  Mateo and Sonny shook hands, and they all took their seats.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know what I want!” Marlene exclaimed nearly immediately, and Rafael tapped his finger on the crayons lying on her kid menu.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here, why don’t you color some of this and think about all the choices, and you can surprise us in a few minutes when the server comes back?” he said in a tone that left little room for argument.  She scrunched her face up at him, but opened the crayons and began to color.  “Are you a fan of Italian food?” Rafael asked Mateo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course!” Mateo replied.  “I’ve never come across bad Italian food.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny laughed.  “Trust me, it’s out there.  But this place is pretty good...my parents approve, and that’s sayin’ something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucia smiled and nodded at him.  “Soleado’s italian,” she told Mateo.  “And his family’s cooking is phenomenal.  Just incredible.  His mami’s cooking puts mine under the table.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not a chance,” Sonny told her, grinning at her.  “You’re amazing.  So was Abuelita.  Don’t be modest, Lucia.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tan I say what I want, now?” Marlene asked, seeing the server approaching.  “Can I, I mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mi Dios!”(my God), Mateo exclaimed.  “Did you just say ‘can’, princesa?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley nodded proudly.  “She’s been doing it for a few weeks now,” Rafael said, smiling at his little girl.  “Yes, baby, you can tell everyone what you’d like for dinner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good evening!” the server greeted, “What would everyone like tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Marley began right away, “I would wike a cherry italian soda to drink and butter noodles with chicken and a salad with white dressing.”  She looked up.  “Please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The server glanced at Rafael and asked, “Does she mean ranch?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually,” Sonny interrupted, “she means parmesan peppercorn.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The server nodded.  “And for you?”  Sonny ordered, then Rafael; as Mateo and Lucia were ordering, Marlene tugged on Sonny’s arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My belly’s weally hungry, Daddy...me an’ Papi wike those butter bread knots.  I bet Abby and Mateo would wike them too!  Can we get some?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the server finished up, Sonny stopped her.  “Could we get an order of garlic knots for the table, please?” he asked, and Marley patted his arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re such a good daddy!” she whispered.  “You’re so nice to all your family, gettin us that butter bread stuff!  I’m so proud of you, Daddy!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael snickered on the other side of Marlene.  “Yeah, Daddy, we’re all so proud!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, carbs are inspirational,” Sonny replied, smirking back at his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I certainly think so,” Mateo interjected, patting his stomach.  “God knows, I eat more than my fair share.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Easy to do,” Lucia added, taking his hand and squeezing it.  “You like this butter bread, nieta?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh!” Marley nodded enthusiastically.  “It’s weally good!  And the wed sauce is so good--yum!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, hey dolly,” Sonny said quietly, nudging her, “it’s gravy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is?” she asked, looking confused.  “Abby says gravy is brown.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael snickered again and downed the rest of his wine.  The wine was delicious and he felt warm and loose, and everyone at the table seemed a little funnier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny grinned at his mother-in-law.  “I’d dare you to tell my ma that, except I like you, Lucia.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucia grinned back, and they clanked their glasses as Rafael refilled his, then offered the bottle to Mateo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The family enjoyed a pleasant meal over the next hour with lively conversation and laughter.  Sonny shared some hints about Italian cooking and his favorite herbs, and they shared dishes around the table.  They tried a few different wines and rated them comparatively.  Lucia loved her son-in-law, and it was clear the feeling was mutual.  In fact, Rafael thought as he finished his third glass of wine and started his fourth, that maybe Sonny should have been born to Lucia instead of him.  They definitely made a good match and understood each other well.  He’d always known that, though, since the first time Sonny had met his mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mami,” he said, taking a deep breath, “this is Sonny Carisi.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sonny immediately held his hand out to shake hers.  “It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Barba.  Rafael has told me so many wonderful things about you.  Here,” he said, handing her a bouquet of fresh flowers, “Rafi told me you enjoyed spring blossoms, and these reminded me of you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lucia’s eyebrow raised as she took the bouquet.  “Uh-huh.  Sonny, is it?  I’m curious to see if you live up to your name.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Two hours and two bottles of wine later, Lucia pinched his cheeks as they were leaving.  “Make sure he brings you by again.  You are an absolute doll!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In fact, that’s where Marley’s nickname “dolly” originated from...Lucia calling Sonny a doll and their daughter, a dolly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad we could do this,” Mateo shook their hands as they left the restaurant.  Pausing at Rafael, he added, “I’m particularly glad I got to meet you, Rafael.  I knew Lucia would have a wonderful son.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael felt the world sway a bit in front of him, but smiled as pleasantly as he could.  “I appreciate that,” he said, leaning against the side of the building.  “I hope to see you again soon.  Mami,” he greeted as she kissed his cheek, “don’t forget to say goodbye to your other son.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already did, mijo,” she responded as he became aware of Sonny and Mateo chuckling.  “Somebody had just a little too much of that vino, no?”  She smiled at him, a smile that said he was accepted and loved, and he smiled back fully.  Sometimes, when life felt light and she looked at him that way, he loved her so much. Beauty, intelligence, faith, humor--she was lovely.  Tonight she was, especially after the wine.  “Let Soleado help you tonight, all right, Rafi?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm...of course, Mami,” he murmured, letting his eyes rest for a moment.  “I will.  Te amo, querida.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay babe, look, our uber is here,” Sonny interrupted, fighting back laughter.  Lucia was smirking as Sonny guided his husband, then his daughter, into the car.  “Talk soon,” he winked to his mother in law, and she waved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Papi, why you fallin’ asleep?” Marley asked, poking him in the gut.  “Didja eat too much?  Didja get up too early today?  Are you weady for bed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet YOU’RE ready for bed!” Sonny interrupted her, tickling, and she giggled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned to watch both of them, smiling sleepily.  “I think it was the wine.  Made me tired.”  He looked down at his daughter, who was staring up at him.  “You’re such a precious little thing, you know that?  I love you so, so much.  God was surely smiling at us when he brought you into our lives, si, Soleado?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley giggled and shook her head.  “You sound weird, Papi.  You’re talkin’ weird.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled softly, then began to sing, “Brilla, brilla, estrellita…” (twinkle, twinkle, little star…).  His eyes closed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think your papi sang himself to sleep,” Sonny teased softly, and Marlene giggled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rafael opened his eyes to see Sonny changing out of his clothes.  “Is it date night?” he asked, as the world continued to gently sway around him.  “Because you look awwwwfully good right now.”  Sonny turned around, a surprised grin on his face.  “C’mere,” Rafael continued, reaching one hand out, “I wanna get me some of that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled.  “You’re so toasted.  I’d be surprised if you could get it up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can too,” Rafael sang stubbornly, sitting up on the bed and trying to unfasten the pants Sonny had already removed from him.  “Hey, my pants...what happened to my pants?” he asked.  “Sonny, somebody stole my pants.”  He patted the bed on either side of him, then mumbled, “I hope they didn’t steal my dick.  Oh, no...wait, here’s my dick.  It’s here!  And it’s kinda hard…”  He swatted at it a couple of times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop doing that,” Sonny directed, fighting back his laughter.  “Marley isn’t asleep yet...she’s just laid down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael looked around the room.  “Where?  At my mom’s?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No babe, in her room.  It’s not date night.  It’s Thursday night.  We just had dinner with your mom and Mateo, remember?  We’re getting ready to go to bed soon.  You fell asleep so I took your suit off for you.  If you need a drink of water, there’s one on the nightstand, right there.  See it?”  Rafael nodded, then took a drink and set the cup back down before starting to sniffle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny tugged a pair of sweats on.  “What’s wrong, babe?  You’re okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not date night,” Rafael said sadly.  “It’s not date night and I’ve got a boner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny sat next to him.  “You’re fine, honey.  It’ll go away, you know.  You can go to sleep and it’ll be fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael pushed at his erection, and watched it swing back.  “It doesn’t look fine.  It looks like it wants to get busy.”  He poked it again.  “It likes you, Sonny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know.”  Sonny made his way to the other side of the bed, climbing in under the sheets as Rafael continued to poke at his dick, watching it sway after each poke or prod.  “You gonna get into bed with me?” Sonny asked, scratching Rafael’s back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael sighed.  “I guess.  I’m sorry, little guy.  It’s not date night so you gotta wait.”  He turned to Sonny.  “Hey Sonny, my dick wants to know if you can suck him even though it’s not date night.”  He pulled his boxers down to reveal his cock and held it between his fingers, making it move up and down, and used a high pitched voice.  “Please Sonny?  I’ll pay you back on date night….I promise…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy, what are you guys doing?”  Marley stood in the doorway, looking at them both as though they’d lost their minds, and Sonny wasn’t sure she was wrong.  “Papi, is that your penis?” she asked.  Pointing at him, she directed, “You need to put your penis away and go wash your hands.  We don’t play with that around other people.  Wight, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael’s mouth hung  open for a second, then he tucked himself away, stood, and meandered to the bathroom.  A second later they heard the water come on, and Sonny exhaled.  “You’re right, honey.  Papi was being silly...why are you in here?”  He stood up to usher her back to bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t get to say goodnight to Papi and it was makin’ me sad,” she said.  “He’s being weird tonight.  Are you sure he’s okay, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny closed the bedroom door so they were alone in the hallway, and bent down to her level.  “I’m sure he’s fine, honey.  Sometimes, if grownups drink a little too much wine it can make them feel and act funny for a little while.  Papi just had a little too much wine.  He’ll be fine tomorrow, I promise.  Would you like me to tuck you in again, and you can talk to him in the morning about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded.  “Okay.”  They headed back to her room.  “I can’t believe he forgot the wule about your privates, though,” she mused, climbing into her bed.  “Wemember when you guys told me that wule, that you can’t play with your privates in front of anyone else?  I was wittle, and even I wemember THAT wule!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny couldn’t help but smirk.  “Yeah.  I think maybe you should remind him of that rule again tomorrow.  Just in case he forgot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will.”  Suddenly her brow furrowed.  “Daddy, are you sure he’s gonna be okay tomorrow?  He’s not gonna be talkin’ weird and doin’ weird stuff?  He’s funny wight now but I think I wike my wegular papi better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny smiled at her and kissed her forehead.  “I’m sure, honey.  Regular Papi tomorrow.  I love you, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled back.  “Wove you too, Daddy.  Goodnight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny made his way back to the master bedroom, hoping Rafael had been able to get back into bed unassisted.  When he opened the door, his husband was lying in his boxers, in the middle of the bed spread out like a starfish on his stomach.  Sonny chuckled again, closing and (this time) locking the door behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re gonna be so sorry tomorrow,” he sang to himself, pushing random limbs to the other side of the bed.  “SO sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny gently shook Marlene awake.  “Wake up, dolly!  Good morning!  It’s Friday!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She yawned and stretched.  “Daddy, where’s my papi?  You said he’d be wegular Papi today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He will, he’s just not feeling very good right now,” Sonny explained.  “Why don’t you get dressed and then you can go say good morning to him?  I’m going to take you to school today so he can rest since he doesn’t feel well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley got out of bed and started to go through her drawers.  “Okay, Daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny went to the kitchen to get breakfast started for he and Marley.  Once he’d made a plate for each of them, he grabbed the ibuprofen and a cup of coffee and headed to Rafael. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey there, handsome.”  He set the coffee on the nightstand as Rafael rolled over and grunted at him again.  “I brought you some painkillers, and I’ll be taking the girl to school today, so you can sleep in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael smacked his lips together a couple of times, then said, “My mouth is dry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmhmm.  Here’s your water.”  Sonny handed him the cup of water from the night before, then the pills.  Rafael took them without complaint, then looked up at his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re really going to take her for me?” he said gruffly.  At Sonny’s nod, he added, “Thank you.  I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”  He groaned and rolled over into the pillow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, Marley is worried about you, especially after your magnificent masturbatory performance last night.  She wants to make sure you’re okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael lifted his head and squinted at Sonny, confused, then his eyes widened and a look of horror took over his face.  “Oh. My. Godddd….” he groaned again, dropping his face into his pillow.  “I’m such an idiot.  Remind me never to drink again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny snickered.  “I will for sure...hey dolly, you can come on in,” Sonny greeted Marley and waved her over to the bed.  “Papi’s awake...he’s just resting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael turned his head to the side and opened one eye.  Marley was standing next to him, swinging side to side and watching his face.  She bent down so their faces were parallel.  “Hey there Papi...are you okay today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah baby, I’m fine,” he mumbled into his pillow.  Seeing how concerned she looked, he pulled his face from the pillow completely.  “I’m fine, mija.  I just don’t feel very good today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She climbed onto the bed, sitting next to him.  “Is that ‘cause you drank the wine?  Daddy said sometimes when grownups drink too much wine they act funny and talk funny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh,” he grunted.  “Yeah, that’s true.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled.  “You were funny wast night.  You talked funny and you said funny stuff...and you did stuff that was inappwo-piate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he said now, feeling ashamed.  “I remember.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.  I didn’t wike that...and it was funny but it also felt kinda scary, Papi.”  She was playing with the edge of the comforter, and she wasn’t smiling anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing her face, Rafael suddenly felt horrifically guilty.  “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry if it felt scary.  I’m sorry for everything you saw and heard that made you feel scared or uncomfortable.  And I promise that won’t happen again, okay?”  He reached over and rubbed her arm.  “I love you, Marlene.  And I’m sorry I drank too much wine last night.  It was irresponsible of me to do that, and I am so sorry it made you upset.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was watching him carefully, and after a moment or so, she nodded.  “It’s okay, Papi.  We all make mistakes.  It’s good you said sorry when you make mistakes.  Me an’ Daddy are proud of you!”  She leaned over and kissed his forehead.  “Daddy’s gonna take me to school today, so you can just west your wittle ole body wight here, okay?”  He chuckled at her as she stood and neatened his blankets.  “Just don’t forget me at pickup today, okay?  It is VERY IMPORTANT to wemember your daughter, Papi!  Okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still chuckling (and wincing from the headache), he said, “Okay, mija.  I’ll be there at pickup time.  And Marley?”  The little girl turned around and looked at him.  “I love you very much, princesa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She broke into a grin.  “I wove you too, Papi.  See ya water!”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lay flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay, mijo,” Mami whispered as she tucked the blankets in around him.  “You just need to stay here and be very quiet, all right?  Mami and Papi will be just fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rafael rubbed his eyes, tired and wet with tears.  “Why does he yell like that, Mami?  Why does he get so mad?  I thought it would make him happy.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lucia kissed his cheek.  “It will, tomorrow.  Leave the pieces of your report card on your desk and I will fix it, mijo.  Then you can show him tomorrow, when he’s not drunk anymore.”  She forced a smile.  “He’ll be very proud of you, just like I am.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d been frightened then, too.  And confused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rafi.”  Miguel’s voice stopped him before he could get out the door for school.  “Come here, mijo.”  Rafael turned around slowly, making his way to the recliner where his father sat, drinking his morning coffee.  After lunch, it would be beer, but Papi always started the day off with a strong cup of coffee.  Rafael could smell its scent from where he stood.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Miguel held the taped report card.  “You did good, mijo.  Keep doing good.”  His father looked around him for a minute, seemingly lost, then added, “You want to give your family more one day, then keep doing good.”  He reached toward his son, who stiffened instinctively; Miguel wrapped a large hand around the back of his neck anyway, pulling him forward.  “It’s the only chance you got, mijo.  Don’t waste it, entiendes?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It would be years before Rafael completely understood what he’d been trying to say, but he nodded and allowed his father to awkwardly embrace him, one of only a handful of times he would ever remember a kind touch from the man.  Miguel handed him the report card.  Rafael held it, saw it was signed, and hesitated for a moment, unsure what to do.  “Go on, then!” Miguel nodded toward the door, and eight-year old Rafi ran out of the house and into the street, looking for his friends on their way to school.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael wiped the tears from his face.  No, it would be a cold day in hell before he’d drink in front of Marlene again.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He made a face.  “What’s wrong with my kid coming first?  Isn’t that what you sign up for?”</p><p>“To a degree.  But you’re also so much more than a dad, Rafael, aren’t you?  You’re a man, a husband, a lover, a son, friend, lawyer, colleague...and sometimes, other parts of you may take precedence, or need attention.  I’m not saying it’s a great idea to get trashed in front of your kid.  What I am saying is, good parents make mistakes.  And good parents can have interests outside of parenting, and do things that don’t involve their kids.  And I’m gonna tell you another truth, although you may not be ready to hear it--not so good people can become better, and not so good parents can become better too.  And people who sucked as parents when their kids were five can be great parents when their kids are fifteen, or twenty-five, or even in their forties.”  Seeing his face take on a concerned expression, she leaned forward.  “Now come back next week and tell me why I’m wrong or right.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello and thanks for reading!</p><p>This is the final chapter for Fixing the Foundation.  Much like life, this story doesn't have a neat ending.  Marlene is still affected by bullying.  Lucia still has breast cancer.  And Rafael still has resentments.</p><p>But there's progress, and there's love, and as one of my favorite people in the world once said, "Who promised you easy?"  I debated a long time about how I wanted this to end, and I think I like it.  I hope it doesn't feel too much like unfinished business.  It doesn't to me, but then again, I also know there will be more following this fic.</p><p>Thank you all so much for the encouragement, the comments, your own personal shares, your opinions, and everything else.  As you know, I answer every comment and they absolutely impact how and what I write.  I'm very grateful for those of you who have fallen in love with this little family like I have.  It's so exciting to share them with you regularly!</p><p>And now...enjoy chapter fourteen!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“So is Mateo going to be staying here with you?”  Rafael finished unpacking his mother’s groceries as she put together a couple of sandwiches for them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.  He’s here most of the time now anyway.”  She didn’t look at him; she was afraid to, afraid of what she’d see in his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She heard him sigh, and then he pulled out a chair and sat at the table.  “Mami.”  His voice was gentle, though, and he saw her body visibly relax.  “We need to stop hiding things from each other.  I want you to be happy.  If Mateo makes you happy, then that’s a good thing, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose so.”  She handed him a plate and took hers, sitting next to him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a minute, until Rafael finally took a deep breath.  “So I fucked up the other night.  You saw, I drank too much when we were out last week.  And Marley saw it, and it scared her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did she tell you that?”  Lucia met his eyes, and for once he felt he wasn’t being judged.  Progress.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually, yeah, she did.  She told me it was funny, which I think was Sonny’s spin on it, but that it also scared her a little.  I told her I wouldn’t do that again.”  He took another bite of his sandwich.  “This is good ham.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think so.”  She wiped her mouth with her napkin.  “You’re a good father, Rafael.  Marley can talk to you in a way you could never talk to me or Miguel.  You have her trust, and that’s so important.  I failed at that when you were a boy.”  She shook her head.  “You had no reason to trust me, mijo.  I know that.  I didn’t protect you like I should have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I remember being scared, being her age and a little older, and not understanding why Papi could be so mean.  I never knew when he was going to explode...and I wanted to protect you from him so much.”  He shook his head.  “I was most afraid when he’d come after you, you know?  Because I was afraid there’d be nobody left to make sure we had food and a place to live.”  He chuckled humorlessly.  “The way kids reason is astounding.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never knew that, mijo,” Lucia responded, taking his hand in hers.  “I’m so sorry for all the ways I let you down.  You deserved so much better.”  She squeezed his hand in hers.  “I’ve never told you this, but you were the reason I got my teaching degree.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled.  “I know, you wanted to be sure you could help me finish law school--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” she told him.  “Well, partly, but the main reason was to help children.  I messed up with my own, and I worked hard every day I was in that school to make up for it.  If I could help other children, maybe it could make up a little bit for how I failed my own son.”  Her voice broke on the last words, and he leaned over and wrapped his arms around her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mami,” he murmured into her ear, “I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Te amo, mijo.  Lo siento.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d like to think of myself as a better father than my father.  In fact, I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I was better than Miguel.  My daughter is well-provided for.  She is happy and well-adjusted and loved.  I tell her every day how much I love her.  I spend time with her, playing with her and teaching her.  I take her places.  I do all of that, and then I decide to top it off with four glasses of wine and some drunken foolishness.”  Rafael picked at his nails.  “Maybe I’m really no better than my dad.  Maybe he’s hiding inside of me, just waiting to come out.  It’s not the first time I’ve thought that.  It was the whole reason I had decided never to have kids, you know...it wasn’t worth the risk, I thought.  But I guess it’s too late now, to change that--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to change that?”  Renata asked, arching an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked down.  “No.  Of course I don’t.  I don’t know why I say stupid shit like that either.  Never in a million years would I want to give up Marlene.  She’s the best thing I’ve ever done.  The best part of my life, she and Sonny.  Which is why I can’t figure out why I decided to keep drinking.  It’s not like I don’t know what would happen.  I acted so selfishly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Renata replied, watching him closely.  “Or maybe you were letting off steam.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, because THAT’S appropriate around a little kid.  I was slurring my words, stumbling around, and on top of it, I was--exposed, I guess--when she came into the bedroom.  Why did she come in?  To check on me.  Do you know how fucked up it is for a little girl to have to check on her drunk father?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renata clicked her tongue and adjusted her glasses.  “I have a question for you, Rafael.  I know you majored in law, but did you minor in histrionics?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed out loud.  “Now you sound like my mother.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renata shot him a sharp smile.  “I have the feeling that with the exception of perhaps Mother Teresa, there are very few people who could meet your definition of good parent.  From the things you’ve said to me, a good parent never loses their cool, never speaks sharply to their children, never puts their own needs ahead of anyone else’s, and always puts the role of parent first, no matter what.  Your child should come first.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made a face.  “What’s wrong with my kid coming first?  Isn’t that what you sign up for?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To a degree.  But you’re also so much more than a dad, Rafael, aren’t you?  You’re a man, a husband, a lover, a son, friend, lawyer, colleague...and sometimes, other parts of you may take precedence, or need attention.  I’m not saying it’s a great idea to get trashed in front of your kid.  What I am saying is, good parents make mistakes.  And good parents can have interests outside of parenting, and do things that don’t involve their kids.  And I’m gonna tell you another truth, although you may not be ready to hear it--not so good people can become better, and not so good parents can become better too.  And people who sucked as parents when their kids were five can be great parents when their kids are fifteen, or twenty-five, or even in their forties.”  Seeing his face take on a concerned expression, she leaned forward.  “Now come back next week and tell me why I’m wrong or right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was biting his thumbnail again.  “I just don’t know anymore.  Are you telling me I’m too hard on my mom?  On my dad?  On myself?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renata smiled.  “I’m not telling you anything, Rafael.  Whatever you’ve decided is accurate, is.  But I think you’re going to run into trouble using your parents as your measuring stick for anything.  You’ve got to know by now there was nothing typical about them.  Knowing you don’t want to be like them and working toward that is one thing.  But when your goal is “opposite of my parents”, it leaves you feeling like the world is collapsing when you have an extra glass of wine.  The same as if you define good parenting as “opposite of my parents” and that never changes, then your parents are never going to move up the improvement scale.  They can’t.  Make sense?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”  He sat quietly then, twisting the corner of one of the throws around his fingers.  “You know, my mom loves me.  More than I’ve really given her credit for.  And she loves my husband, and my kid.  I think she even loves our dog.”  He laughed quietly.  “I have a tendency to think she loves those people in spite of their relationship with me, but the truth is,it’s because she loves me that she loves them.  I’m trying to see that.  That connection, the fact that she’s made those commitments because of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renata pulled out a piece of paper from her notebook, and drew a large shape of a foot.  “This right here,” she said, pointing to it, “is your love footprint.  All the people you love are in this footprint.  This here,” she drew a second footprint that shared a heel with the first one, “is your mother’s love footprint.  All the people that she’s loved.  See how they overlap?  Your love for each other is somewhere in there, but so is your love for mutuals...people you’ve added to her footprint, like Sonny and Marlene, and people she’s added to yours.  Like your grandmother, your cousins.  Friends you know because of her.  Without those, you’d have a lot less love.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And no heel,” he added.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Funny,” Renata mused aloud.  “Part of that histrionic thing, probably.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snickered.  “Probably.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are we gonna get M&amp;Ms with our popcorn tonight?” Marley asked, bouncing in the middle of their bed.  They were getting ready to watch Harry Potter for the first time at a family slumber party.  Sonny handed her a sports bottle, and a second one for Rafael.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Put Papi’s drink on the nightstand for me, please, and I don’t know what he’s picking out in there.  You picked popcorn, I picked cherry coke, and he’s picking the final treat.  If we’re lucky, it won’t be prunes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Prunes?” she asked, scrunching up her face.  “What’s prunes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled.  “You don’t wanna know.  C’mon, Pru...get on up here with us, girl!”  Prudence came running from the hallway and made a mad jump onto the bed.  “Don’t give her that popcorn!” Sonny directed.  “It’s bad for her.  So is candy.  No treats for her tonight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw, poor Pru baby,” Marley cooed, patting the dog’s head with one hand as she shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth.  “No tweats fo youuuu!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And here we are,” Rafael announced, entering the bedroom with a shallow bowl filled with a mix of cookies.  “It’s okay, you all can say it.  Papi picks the best snacks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Papi wants to make sure all our coats are warm for winter,” Sonny teased, and Rafael pulled half of the cookie he was eating out of his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Trying to say something about my shape, scarecrow?” he asked sharply, passing the bowl to Marlene, now balancing both bowls in her lap and the dog at her feet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah actually,” Sonny proclaimed as he sat down on his side of the bed, “I don’t know what your shape is called, but it’s my favorite.” He grabbed a cookie and took a bite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I turn it on now?” Marlene asked.  “I’m weady!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, go ahead,” Rafael told her, handing her the remote, and he curled up on his side, pressing his back against the headrest.  Sonny did the same, so they could cuddle, while Marley sat more toward the center of the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is gonna be so good, guys!”  Marley exclaimed just as the movie started.  Sonny flipped off his light, plunging them all into the dark (with the exception of the TV and the bathroom light), then leaned over and kissed his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Snuggling together as the movie played, Sonny couldn’t help but sneak an occasional kiss or nip or nuzzle from his husband.  Truth was, he still found Rafael just as enticing now as he ever had.  Those weren’t just words he said during passionate moments; they were his true feelings toward the man who had changed his life.  Sometimes he worried that Rafael overthought things and that caused extra stress for him, but if he was honest, he knew that was just who Rafael was.  Thinking and rethinking was something he’d done since he was a little boy, and it was part of what made his mind so brilliant, and so attractive to Sonny.  Impulsively, Sonny leaned over and kissed the bridge of Rafael’s nose.  Rafael turned to look at him; he gazed at Sonny’s eyes for a few seconds, smiling, then kissed him on the mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They watched and nibbled and kissed for a long while, until everyone seemed finished.  Marley was slumped over on the bed snoring, and Pru was lying on her back, bare belly facing the ceiling.  The movie was only half over.  Sonny grabbed the snacks and Marley’s sports bottle and set them on the end table while Rafael shook her gently.  “Mija...hey baby, ready for bed?” he asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Harry!” she gasped, suddenly opening her eyes.  Seeing Rafael smirking at her, she mumbled, “Wanna watch the movie, Papi…” Her eyes closed again, and she said, “Okay, put me in bed.”  Rafael gently picked her up and carried her to her room, with Pru jogging along at his feet.  Laying her down in her bed, he tucked her in carefully as Pru hopped on the bed.  He pressed a kiss to her temple.  “Papi,” she mumbled, half-asleep, “I’m a good girl, wight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes you are,” he told her softly, brushing her curls from her forehead.  “A very good girl.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled, eyes still closed.  “And you’re a good papi.  A very, very good papi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt tears come to his eyes.  “How’d you know I needed to hear that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She opened her eyes for a moment, staring lovingly at him.  “Because my brain telled me.  And my heart telled me too.  ‘Night, mi dulce papi.” (my sweet papi)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Buenos noches, mi dulce estrellita.”  (Goodnight, my sweet little star.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wandered back to the bedroom to find Sonny already curled up in bed, softly snoring.  He checked his phone, as was his habit, and then paused for a minute.  What was it Renata had said?  </span>
  <em>
    <span>People who sucked as parents when their kids were five can be great parents when their kids are fifteen, or twenty-five, or even in their forties</span>
  </em>
  <span>.  He quickly sent a text.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>RB to LB:  </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you for encouraging me to be a good parent, and thank you for continuing to try to be a better one yourself.  Te amo, Mami.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rested the phone on the charger, then rolled over, curling under the blankets with Sonny.  Wrapping an arm around his husband’s chest, he fell asleep smelling the sweet scent of cookies, and he couldn’t have been more content.</span>
</p>
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